P5353| 
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_ *EOW«jry OF T«k 






A Reporter's 
Scrap *Boo1c 



Pearson 



A REPORTER'S 
SCRAP BOOK 



N^ 



Plain Talks on Citizenship. 

The Gizeh Papyrus Stories. 

Maumee Valley History in Ragtime. 

Miscellaneous Newspaper Stories. 

BY GEORGE W. PEARSON- 



v« 



BOOK RIGHTS RESERVED. 



'^o^ 



T53S3/ 



TO COLONEL CHARLES CAUGHLING, PATRIOT, 
NEWSPAPER MAN AND FRIEND, WHOSE DEVOTION 
AND SACRIFICE TO HIS COUNTRY WAS KNOWN 
ONLY TO HIS MOST INTIMATE FRIENDS, 
WHOSE UNTIRING ENERGY AND LOYALTY TO HIS 
PAPER WAS MODESTLY WITHELD FROM THE 
NOTICE OF HIS OFFICE SUPERIORS, AND WHOSE 
GENEROUS IMPULSES AND CHIVALROUS ACTS 
EVER CHARACTERIZED HIM AS THE SOUL OF 
HONOR THESE , NEWSPAPER STORIES ARE RE- 
SPECTFULLY DEDICATED, IN THE KNOWLEDGE 
THAT WERE HE ALIVE HE WOULD BE FIRST TO 
NOTE ANYTHING OF MERIT THAT MIGHT BE IN 
THEM AND NEVER TOO ILL TO JOIN IN ANY MER- 
RIMENT THE LIGHTER STORIES MIGHT OCCASION. 



I 






INTRODUCTORY. 



The short stories printed under the title of "A Reporter's 
Scrap Book," are largely articles which have appeared in the 
Toledo Blade in the past ten or twelve years. 

While many of the articles may seem light and trivial, and 
while some were written merely in a playful mood, most of the 
stories will be found to have a deeper meaning than merely that 
which might appear from a superficial reading. Some are merely 
sketches and incidents of newspaper life, while others seek also 
to convey some specific truth. 

"The Gizeh Papyrus," for example, is intended to picture 
something of newspaper life of Northwestern Ohio, and indeed 
pioneer printing generally, while it ostensibly deals with Egypt. 
It is designed to tell some plain truths that people would not 
tolerate if spoken directly to them, and shows how people are 
often mistaken in thinking that they can mislead newspaper men 
and cover up shams, although the reporter does not alwavs have 
opportunity to express his thoughts of them in print. While a 
satire on some phases of modern life, it is also intended to por- 
tray something of the fierce rivalry in newspaper offices in some 
of the smaller towns and cities where the venom is often due to 
a desire to get a whack at the county printing. 

"The Ragtime History" deals with historical characters of 
America and especially the Xorthwest Territory and the Maumee, 
\'alley in a playful spirit, and of course is not intended to be 
taken seriously. 

The assembling of matter so widely divergent in thought and 
purpose may seem pecuHar to some, but as the name "Scrap Book" 
indicates, the intent is merely to compile work written in varving 
moods ; and this is not as unnatural as might seem at first thought, 
for we are not always serious or always grave, but our lives are 
made up of a variety of emotions, in which sunshine, shadow, 
merriment and sober thought quickly succeed one another. 



These stories are printed ,not with the idea of "filling any 
long-felt want," or with any design upon the pocketbooks of the 
public, but merely in order to preserve them for myself and 
present to some of my friends who, at various times have shown 
a kindly interest in me and mine. "All rights are reserved," not 
with any idea that the public is going to rise up and demand 
faster printing presses in order to get more copies out, but the 
writer has found the book very convenient to use to prevent a 
hot coffee pot from burning all the varnish off the table, and, 
barbers find it an excellent size for lather sheets. The paper, too, 
will do very nicely for the fair sex "to put up their front hair." 
Since the decadence of the old family almanac there seems to be 
a field which most bookmakers have overlooked. 

Acknowledgements are due Mr. Vaughn McFall, former 
artist of the Blade, and to Mr. John E. Gunckel for historical 
data, and in issuing this book the writer wishes to absolve them 
from any guilty knowledge that their talents were ever to be used 
for such purposes. Thanks are also due Mr. Robert BrinkerhofT, 
Blade cartoonist, though he must be admitted to be in part an 
"accessory before the fact." 

In dealing with this book the public will bear in mmd that 
this is "our" first offense and "we" ask for a chance to reform 
and live it down. 

George W. Pearson, 

Toledo, O., March 15, 19.07. 



A FEW HOMELY PROVERBS. 



People who fail in acts of common civility on account of 
fear of loss of their social standing usually have good reasons for 
their actions — they have so little to lose that they cannot afford 
to spare any. 



It is always easier to approach the president of a railroad 
than the clerk in his office. 



About half of the so-called dignity these days is only down- 
right laziness. 



The real gentleman is known by his superior culture and his 
bearing towards others, and not by his boasting about it ; it takes 
a lot of talking to pass a bogus coin, but the genuine is not called 
into question. 



Often people who are anxious to appear great and influential 
begin wrong in imitating the real article. ^Vithout trying to 
acquire the intelligence and virtue of such men they merely 
imitate their defects or vices and then imagine themselves the 
real article and are surprised that others do not so regard them. 



God does not demand results of us. He only asks us to do 
our duty. He will take care of the results. 



A REPORTER S SCRAP-BOOK. 



A MUCH NEEDED AMERICAN CLUB. 

One more club is needed. Like all other clubs and societies, 
it comes to fill a "long felt want," but unlike all other clubs and 
societies, its membership will -not be limited to a certain class, 
creed; politics or color. Palace and cottage can enjoy the same 
privileges of club membership and there will be no clash over 
admission into the organization. 

While the club or society may be in demand all over the 
world, America is now in peculiar need of such an organization 
in order to protect the high ideals and noble principles desired in 
a democratic government. Following are the 

CONSTITUTION AND BY-LAWS. 

I. The name of this organization shall be the Anti-Sham- 
ming Society. 

II. The aims of this society shall be to cultivate my own 
self-respect by a natural course of life, by developing my mind as 
much as possible by reading something that will furnish mental 
food, and by conversing and learning from those who have real 
intellectual worth ; by cherishing high ideals and living true to 
these regardless of how I am criticised ; and by being precisely 
what I am and by aiding others to lead a similar life, form com- 
panionships and associations that will have an effect on modern 
life. 

III. The officers of this association shall be elected by my- 
self, and I shall act as President, Secretary, Treasurer and Chap- 
lain, and shall be guided in the several duties by my conscience 
and my sense of right and honor. 

BY-EAWS. 

I. I hereby agree to live within my income as I am pros- 
pered, regardless of being called a lobster or a cheap skate. 

II. I will follow the decrees of fashion only so far as they 
are sensible and within the range of my pocketbook and will have 
enough American spirit and moral courage to live the best I can 
afford, and be satisfied with that until my means enables me to 
add more comforts. 

III. I will not live in a flat or tenament house if there is 
an unoccupied cottage or log hut within the city limits. A com- 
munity house may do for Mormons or cave dwellers, but it is not 
the right atmosphere to rear families and cultivate home spirit. 



A REPORTER S SCRAP-BOOK. 9 

IV. If God 'blesses me with children I will try not turn over 
their entire training to servants and then refuse to let the janitor 
wash =my wheezy dog". 

V. I will not be ashamed of my work so long as it is honor- 
able, and I will hereby condemn as undemocratic and unchristian 
the spirit th"at scorns manual labor. 

VI. I will not pretend to know all about literature, science 
and art, but will leave something for the other fellow to learn. I 
will read all I am able to do and digest well, but will not be 
ashamed if I have not read every book by the two million authors 
that are now turning out "copy" for the press. 

VII. I will not pretend to be as rich as Rockefeller in order 
to impress some girl for whom I have the highest esteem. If she 
esteems me only for my wealth, love will he of short duration in 
event our friendship should lead to marriage and she learns my 
financial status. It is better that the estrangement come now than 
later. 

VIII. I will not. be ashamed to stay at home one or two 
nights a week even if other people deem it necessary to be out 
every night. I will attend to my own business and not meddle 
with others even if I am unable to say one word when out in 
society. 

IX. Meetings of this society shall be held for five minutes 
every evening, when I will endeavor to learn whether I have been 
untrue to my pledge during that day, and breathe a prayer that the 
next day I may do better. 



10 A reporter's scrap-book. 



Plain Talks on Citizenship. 

"Ideals are like stars, you will not succeed in touching them 
with your hands, but like the seafaring man on the desert of 
waters you choose them as your guide and following them, you 
reach your destiny. 
Carl Schurz. 



Nations as well as individuals should be guided by ideals. 
Without these neither the individual nor the nation can achieve 
real greatness. Without high ideals on the part of individual 
citizens, the nation can not rise to high achievement nor give to 
the people the best in government. While it may seem idealistic, 
it would be well for the state if its citizens would adopt a creed 
or pledge something as follows : 

A Patriotic Pledge. 

"With malice towards none and charity for all," I hereby 
pledge to stand for civic honesty and purity, and to hit graft, 
greed and corruption in all forms, and at all times. God being my 
helger, Iwill allow_no financial advantage or po[it^ical_preferment 
for myseTFoTariy of my friends to deter me from my duty to_the 
state ; iTncTas^j^^Torefathers sacrificed blood and treasure to be^ 
queathe to me theKlessings of liberty, so I will sacrifice whatever 
it n^ed be To do my full share in transmitting to posterity this 
hentage pure and unsullied. To these ends T solemnly pledge my 
word and sacred honor. 

THE PRICE OF GOVERNMENT. 

Amid the noise of firecrackers and the spread-eagle orations 
incident to our Fourth, it is well for the nation to pause and re- 
flect on what the present day citizens are doing to transmit to 
posterity the liberties vouchsafed by our ancestors. There is a 
certain law of compensation that applies to politics the same as to 
commerce — that one gets only what he pays for, and it is' a ques- 
tion how much the people of America are paying, and are willing 
to pay, for good government. In the mad rush of every day life, 
men are apt to shirk their duties and not perform as citizens their 
debt to the state as they meet the claims of other creditors. Con- 
ditions here differ from a monarchy in that the citizen is supreme 
and there is no ruling power to manage or mismanage public 
affairs. 



A reporter's scrap-book. 11 

People who have interests at stake are sure to be active in 
seeing that the government works no hardship upon them and that 
they be even given legislative and judicial favors if possible. The 
private citizen with no axe to grind, is heedless of conditions 
because he thinks he is not afifected, and until some great upheaval 
comes, is not stirred to perform his duties to the state. 

It has been the lax efforts of citizens that are responsible for 
the corporate and other abuses which now press for reform. 

Whgt^are you willing to pay for good government, not of 
money necessarily, but of time and of effort in seeing that good 
men are placed in positions of trust and then in defending them 
when they are there ?_ Let a tool of certain interests be placed 
in power and how he is pampered and feted by those interests ! 
How often when a good man is elevated to office he is allowed to 
stand alone and make an unequal fight against corrupting in- 
fluences. And perhaps after a time the official loses heart and 
hope, and being denied the support of the better citizens gives up 
and ends his official career as easily as possible. 
, Occasionally a Roosevelt arises who cannot be shaken from 
/ his position, but why should citizens not defend a good man in 
I office as well as to make spasmodic efforts to place good men in 
\ positions of trust. 

^ That eternal vigilance is the price of liberty was never better 
exemplified than today. The nation gets just what it pays for and 
no more. The government will never rise higher than its source 
and indifference of its friends, works almost as much mischief as 
the plotting of its enemies. — Blade Editorial. 

BOSSES OR LEADERS, WHICH? 

"A boss is a person active in politics who does something not 
satisfactory to the person who applies the term. A leader is one 
who does something that is satisfactory to the person who applies 
that term." 

If these definitions, submitied_by Walter Brown at the Lin- 
'^coln club banquet are to stand, right and wrong, as far as politics 
is concerned^ have been eliminated, history must be re-written, 
George III. must be made the martyr of 1776 and Washington 
treated as an upstart yet successful adventurer ; Simon Legree, 
the slave driver of Uncle Tom's Cabin, must be placed upon a 
pedestal beside Xincoln, and rpfprpnrps \n Ca pfain Kidd as the 
pirate of the high seas must be revised to the statement that he 
was a successful "frenzied financier" who had lived a few hundred 
ivears before his tim£ 



12 A rkporter's scrap-book. 

But seriously, are the elements of motive and the ends sought 
to be accomplisliedJp^Tae eliminated in theconsTderation of tKe 
life of a_man in politics? Is a, man who organrzes^jpolitics for his 
own ends to he treated theJ^samelXsJJlgJI^aO-Jwho organizes^ a 
part^LJif followers to_achxeve__^it^ It is easy 

enou-^-h to acclaTm that Washington and Lincoln have been called 
"bosses," but did any one, no matter how bitterly hostile, ever 
accuse either of attempting to use his position to make himself 
independently wealthy? Was the hostility against them not due 
rather to differences of opinion about principles of government 
than to anv implication of personal dishonesty? 

The people of the United States are beginning to distinguish 
the difference between a leader and a boss, and herein is the basis 
for great alarm in certain political circles. I tjs becoming recog- 
nized that the leader seeks to serve the state, and its interests are 
the ends sought, the advantages to the man beings mcid^ntaljjhe 
boss seeks to work out his owrTpersonal advantage and that of his 
gang as the chief end. and any advantage to the party or peopTe Ts~ 
incidental or accidental; the leader works in broad ^aylight and 
strikes l^lows as with his fist straight from the shoulder ; the boss 
works injhe darl^ with bludgeon andjjTask, anj^gotic^als his 
motives anclj jurp ose s'untiT 'he haj_trap2ed a franc hise,_looted__a^ 
/reasury or compromised the nation's honor ; t lie~one is "apatnot, 
the other a pirale. ' " ~ 

Thejeader represents the best ideals of the people and leads 
them to secure their wishes in government — -this i s in harmoriy 
with a republican, form ^ of government or democracy ; the boss 
uses the people to vvork-Out his ownends and fill_his_ownjpoc'ket-_ 
book, r'egafdless of the people — this is disloyalty _to__the_city and 
state, an^Ttreasonjto^e nation; the one has the best interests of 
the people at heart, the o^er has no consideration for any but his 
own interests and those of the gang who supports him ; the one 
says "we will seek to accomplish the people's will," the other seeks 
to thwart the popular will and says, "It is not what the people 
want that is to be considered, but what we want." 

President Rooseve V^is a conspicuous example of the leader ; 
George j>. Cox, of_Cin€innati^_js_a__glaring.example_gf the boss. 
Apply these definitions to these men and see how closely they~H^t. 
Was George B. Cox working in the interests of good government 
and fair consideration to the people of Cincinnati when he forced 
through council, by means of his henchmen, a gas franchise said 
to be worth twenty million dollars, to the great injury of a future 
generation? Cox could even afford to give the people of the 
Queen City a good governrnent (which he didn't) if he was able 



A reporter's scrap-book. 1*3 

to rake off millions 'by betraying their interests in the matter of 
franchise and other legislation. Anybody can be the tool of fren- 
zied interests seeking to rob the government and work through 
cunning, subtle, insidious, dark lantern intrigue, but it requires 
a Roosevelt to marshal hosts and principles and work out the 
people's will. T f . tnicklijT g ^to corrupt i nterests is the only means 
of Republican success^God help"~nTe~party. What profiteth IF if 
the party gain the_whole world ancTTose its own soul — that liberty 
which was its very being aiTdTLmdamentaTpurpose. — From BlaSd, 
April 14, 1907. . . 

MACHINE RULE IN TOLEDO. 

Toledo has had a taste of boss rule. 

As a Republican I can not get up much enthusiasm for a 
system of party control that counted out the late Mayor Jones by 
such unfair means that the whole city rose in a storm of protest, 
a system that by arrogance and proscriptive methods and by gross 
abuse of the Republican organizations, has fanned and kept alive 
the Independent movement until it has cost the party a loss of 
prestige and power, that has made nonentities of committeemen 
elected to represent the people, a system that knifed Mayor Finch 
because he dared stand for certain principles that he believed 
were right, a system that defeated Southard and sent a Democrat 
to Congress be cause he would not become a part of their machine, 
a system that muzzled Harry Kirtland because he dared criticise 
their methods in campaign work, a system that even refused Mul- 
holland, who has been most active in campaign speaking, the 
support of the "organization" in the congressional convention 
because in the Lincoln club he had dared speak his convictions 
about certain ones of the self-appointed bosses of the party. 

ELECT THE RIGHT MEN. 

We have been temporizing and coaxing and jollying some of 
our legislators in hopes of getting sorne measures of relief, but 
they have often been indifferent to the wishes of their constituents, 
once they were elected and have spent most of their first terms in 
trying to "soft soap" the people into giving them a second, and 
when that fails they kick up such a dust over something else that 
they sometimes blind people to their inefficiency, while they slip 
in for another term. The American people have had the bunco 
game worked upon them to the limit, and are now demanding 
some real reforms, and they are going to get some of them. 
While they may be fooled some of the time, they are going to 



14 A report?;r's scrap-book. 

keep on and on until they have men in office who will insist that 
something be done. The people can never get results by con- 
tinuing to elect men who have ignored them in the past. I believe 
that Republican is doing the party a service who exposes a scoun- 
drel, and in the end it does not pay to shield corruption. I like the 
Roosevelt way of doing business. When he discovers a rascal, 
he says : "Here is a thief and a grafter. He must be kicked out 
of office and serve his term in the penitentiary like any other 
thief. He should not be tolerated in office or allowed to resign 
and sneak out "to save the party," and be regarded as an honest 
man and give him opportunity to steal from somebody else." 

The Roosevelt idea may seem a little severe, but it is merely 
the knife of a surgeon who cuts out the growth of corruption in 
order to save the body politic. As some one has pointedly said : 
"The rotten apple in a barrel cannot claim its interests are superior 
to all the other apples in the barrel, and insist upon remaining and 
spoiling all the rest." 

ONLY ONE VITAL ISSUE. 

There_^ only one great vital question before the American 
people today, and-tliatisuan issue tliat_invojvesthe_very life of the 
\ republic — the question_^of_ honesty _and__dishonesty. 

The tariff question resolves itself into a maTteFT)f whether the 
law of the land is to be used as a means of dishonest profit — a 
condition that permits manufacturers to sell goods abroad more 
cheaply than at home ; the financial problems are based on whether 
dishonesty shall rule and watered finance and dishonorable bus- 
iness methods prevail by legislative favor, or whether the govern- 
ment shall check the corrupt and encourage legitimate and fair 
business methods ; the public lands question is whether land thieves 
shall enrich themselves by plundering and stealing the homesteads 
of future generations or shall be checked in their career ; the 
civil service problems are merely fights to see whether corrupt 
bosses shall be permitted to use the offices as a means of bolstering 
up dishonest special privileges and interests which they represent, 
and whether such men may sell legislation, barter franchises and 
loot treasuries for their own enrichment ; the Panama canal ques- 
tion is coming to a point where it must be determined whether the 
trans-continental railrods shall rule or the government shall be 
permitted to continue that work unhampered, as is the wish of the 
American people ; the Philippine and other insular policy too is 
merely another form of the moral question of honesty and 
dishonesty — whether honest dealing and fair consideration shall 



A reporter's scrap-book. 15 

be given those peoples ; and more important than any of these 
is the integrity of the ballot, and whether corrupt interests are to 
be. permitted to tamper with state legislatures and white- wash 
their creatures whenever their dishonesty is exposed, or whether 
all legislation, whether in state legislature or even Senate of 
United States shall be made responsive to the popular will. 

PARTY PLANKS NEEDED. 

If we would have confidence in the Republican party of the 
city, county and state, we should engraft some of the following 
planks into the Republican platform : 

1. Wf? hold that piihlir honest y and derenry ig mnrp irnpnrt- 
ant than aru-^fiiaa ncial o r economical policy of ^ o,v£mm^nt. 

2. We hold that no man wh o is intere gtgd in-a_company_nr 
corporation desiring or_p ossessi ng special franchises, or doin g 
other business with the city or state should be tolerated at the 
head of any party. " ~ ^ 

3. We maintain that the party boss_and ward heelerjs_axelic 
of barbarous^political_metho(Is^ and tTT afTuTther" to leration would 
be an admission of the unfitness of people to govern themselves. 
We hold that fre^dom_of th^pught and speech js essential to a free 
people, and that the tyranny of party bos_se_s_ in crubj)ing the hea3s 
off of men who dare cry out for public honestj and decency s hould 

.be met with the rebuke i t deserves. For this reason we denounce 
as un-American and intolerable the condition whereby a clique 
of politicians in unholy alliance with concerns desiring legislative 
concessions should manipulate primaries and practice deceit and 
treachery upon the party and people at large in order to thwart 
the popular will. We bitterly condemn the use of such cliques as 
' lobbyists in the city councils and state legislatures, and hold that 
the spectacle of a party boss seated at the right hand of a presid- 
ing officer in a legislative body to coach him in his decisions should 
not again be tolerated by the decent citizens of the state. 
/ 4. We comniend Theodore Bmion q^f CLe_veland^ .foi^ his 
/ fearl€ss_stand in protestmgLj.gain st the tyr ann^_of.poHtical cliques 
/ and irLjleniandin g primary reforms. We comm end William R. 
I Taft for his courage itT_den ouncing the method s of George B.Xox, 
I and in speaking the truth about p olitical e vils^and we pledge ^ur- 
\ selves to defeat the macHTnations of Cox and such gangs as hg 
Xrepresents in the state, who havejiiarked^jox^slaughter all meiL 
who stand for puhlic_dere nry ^ ~ 

, 5. Recognizing that political power is secured by bosses at 
primary elections to which the voters usually give little concern, 



\ 



16 A REPORTER S SCRAP-BOOK. 

vve hold that the attendance and participation in such_^rimaries is 
ot greater importance than the elecTion' Itself^ We thereTore 
pledge ^ourselves to participate in all primanes of our party and 
insist upon our rights, and that we will use our best endeavor to 
arouse other voters to do the same irrespective of what party they 
are members. 

6. We deny that any man has a perpetual lease upon public 
office and that his retention or retirement should depend largely 
upon his service to the city, state or nation. We hold that an 
office-holder is a public servant, not its master, and we denounce 
a system of self-perpetuation in office by use of political logrolling. 
W£,-^on.demn as un-American the r etention in office of .aiiy^ man 
who darernPl go before the . people„ Jor in dorsement. For this 
reason we demand the retirement of the selT^erpefliating bosses, 
lobbyists and manipulators and perpetual pie eaters, and all who 
dare not present themselves on any proposition and ask a vote of 
public confidence. 

7. We demand that office-holders or other men in the public 
service be denied a place on the delegations to any county, state 
and national convention to the end that the rank and file of the 
party be represented at such conventions, and that it not be merely 
a ratification meeting of office holders. 

8. We ask the people of the city and state to use their best 
thought and intelligence in preserving the sacredness of the ballot. 
We ask them, to scrutinize closely the motives of designing men 
who, by pretended friendship for honest men in high places~Hope 
tQ^win public favor. We denounce the insincerity of men, who, 
while trying to cloak themselves from popular fury by pretending 
to favor President Roosevelt, really work for ends directly antag- 
onistic to all for which the President stands. 

^ 9. We glory in theJgadexsME of such men a s^ Roosevelt, and] 
believe that he and such as he should be supported so long^as they 
stand for popular ideals of government. We admire his lofty mo- 
tives, his ability and statemanship, and while not regarding him 
infallible, we trust in his sincerity of purpose and believe he is to 
be relied upon more than men whose selfish motives in theirs 
official acts are so plainly apparent. 

10. While recognizing the importance of capital in our 
national life and wishing to encourage and preserve legitimate 
business and honest returns upon investment, we denounce the 
system which has placed tools of corrupt corporations and fren- 
zied financiers in positions of trust to decide matters affecting such 
corporations ; we therefore, demand as one means of reaching bet- 



A reporter's scrap-book. 17 

ter conditions that United States senators be elected directly by the 
people in order that the people may have something to say about 
financial concerns whose methods have made possible flagrant 
abuses that have been a public shame. 

A FIGHT FOR FREE SPEECH 

One thing that has prevented people from getting together 
and insisting upon their rights has been the fear of failure. Any 
one who has made a study of the situation knows how corrupt 
forces are intrenched and are fearful to attack them. The cor- 
rupt methods have been so worked that they have sent tentacles or 
arms out into every branch of business, and have endeavored to 
prevent men from doing their duty by a system of intimidation or 
promise of political or financial benefit. And there are some men 
who will not say their souls are their own if it is going to cost 
them the sale of a yard of calico or require any extra efifort or 
diversion from their occupation of making money. 

Many_a_man_with ajittle family^ wlw^s buying a home and 
feels that he dare not incur the enmity of a powerful organization 
is puTTiTaTrying postfiolf. especially ifji£. ch_a_nces to be working 
in a puHicjiqsition wher.e the " system "_has, a_chance to_'^e_t Jiim.,"-^ 
God help us that we may reach the time when a man can express 
his convictions without fear that it will take bread and butter out 
of the mouths of his family. God help us to rid ourselves of a 
tyranny so cruel and so inimical to the nation's welfare. 

In a fight of this kind we should not hesitate to act lest we 
may be in the minority. God docs not demand results of us, but 
he does expect us to do our duty. He will take care of the re- 
sults. One man has electrified the nation and given the people 
new hopes and new ideals of life? Who can say that with the 
same daring, the same faith, the same inelligence and energy the 
people cannot realize something more of liberty and justice for 
all? ' • ' . 

IT'S UP TO YOU. 

Are you going to sustain a President who has had the courage 
to perform his duty fearlessly, and give all men equal rights, who 
can be neither bought nor bullied, who averted a coal famine, who 
is purging the postal service of fraud, who is curbing wildcat 
financiers and restraining corporations hostile to the public wel- 
fare, yet who is encouraging every form of legimate enterprise, 
who will not "be used'' nor allow the executive department of the 
government to 'be used for private ends ? 

Has not Pres. Roosevelt stood for honesty in business and 
in public office and has he not invoked the laws and constitution 



V 



18 A RICr-ORTRR S SCRAI>-P.OOK. • 

of the United States to give the people their rights, not to deprive 
them of their hberties? 

People of America will never get the best government until 
they sustain the men who stand for the best. Patriotism not 
partizanship demands that you vote for the best. It's up to you. — 
An election day appeal l"2th ward. Toledo. Xovember, 190-1. J 

AN OPEN LETTER Tf) GENERAL SPITZER. 

If a Republican I'resident does not dare enforce laws enacted 
by a Republican Congress without lieing condemned by certain 
elements in the par*:y. things are coming to a pretty pass in this 
country. Indeed, if the President can not be sustained in per- 
forming his duty but is practically asked by these same people 
to violate his oath and wink at the law. we might as well give up 
the idea of a representative government at all. What is to become 
of our boasted equality before the law if the President is to be 
coached by a lot of speculators in Wall street as to what laws are 
to be enforced and which violated ? 

Is it possible_^hal:l]ie_AiTien_caiij2eople doji ot know^ the d iffer-) 
ence between en£ouraging legitimate enterprise and living a lot 



of men of the Morgan type" unbridled license to water stock and \ 

unload it upon the people at will ? Shall these men, taking advant' I 

age of special privileges conferred upon them as a corporation, j 

be allowed to use these privileges to swindle the very people who / 

have conferred upon them these powers? Is government intended \ 

merely to support a few people in special privilege, or to secure / 
rights for all ? ^^ 

Is there no spirit of fairness among speculators which will al- 
low some rights to others or is the entire world ''a swinetrough," 
as Carlyle says, in which the strongest get their front feet in the 
trough and trv to prevent all the others from getting a taste of 
food> 

What has President Roosevelt done that has made business 
as "bad as 1893," the days of soup houses? Is the President re- 
sponsible for the collapse of the corrupt shipbuilding trust? Is 
he at fault for the slump in steel stock due to a better knowdedge 
of the mixture of water by a hitherto gullible public when $140,- 
000,000 was made in a few weeks liy a coterie of patriots in Wall 
street who seem offended that the government should object to 
further depredations upon the public? Can a permanent 
prosperity endure upon such wildcat financiering, and did not the 
crash, in which the w'olves suffered wdth the lanrbs, prevent a more 
widespread panic and bring business to a sounder basis? 



A Reporter's scrap-book. lO' 

Is President Roosevelt responsible for the marine tie-up which 
is causing distress in shipping circles? If not, will Gen. Spitzer, 
or some other disciple of "high finance," specify what he is re- 
sponsible for? Generalities fail to convince. 

There are, perhaps, three things done by the present adminis- 
tration which certain interests in \\'all street have opposed, though 
few of them have had the frankness to make public statement of 
the matter. The nTQst-^aJJiilgL_thiii^_jof_the_jhre^^ the en- 
, forcement of the Sherman anti-pooling _JaB'z==the_Ni)rthern Se- 
curities case. "The law had evidently been regarded by financiers, 
as a~nUffentity enacted as a sop to the people, but without binding 
force. President Roosevelt was not responsible for the law, but 
he had taken an oath to enforce national law. and he refused to- 
wink at its open violation. Is President Roosevelt to be punished 
for doing his duty in this case? 

A second ohjectioii^to President Roosevelt in certain quarters 
was bisection duri ng t he coal stri ke. Against the strong stand 
of the miners and the position of President Baer and his "God- 
given" interests, with "nothing to arbitrate." a shivering public 
was standing on the brink of winter with no fuel in sight, and little 
prospect of any. The press, backed by the people, were clamoring 
for arbitration, and in this situation, a man in the President's chair, 
with human sympathy, made an honest elTort to relieve the people 
from distress. Was this treason in the eyes of "high financiers?" 

The third cause of distress in certain "financial circles" was 
the estahlishment of a department of commerce and labor under 
which it^ame within the^ province of the state to inquire into_ 
methods of dishonest corporatfdns^n ushig the special rights. 
granled_th^emjn' the state^ Are not the banking interests of the 
nation under national supervision and inspection, yet does the 
banker seem otTended at the inquiry made into his business? 
Can the "captains of industry," working in consonance with the 
public welfare, have reasonable objection to the state inquiring 
into how the specially vested powers of the corporation are being 
used or abused ? 

Was not_ji^esident Roosevelt's position asg^overnor of _New 
York in urging the "Business Comp anie s act" not in the line of 
public w;elfare and a stimulus to legitimate business as well as a 
protest against dishonest methods ? ' ^ 

Is President Roosevelt to be condemned for urging the pas- 
sage of the Cuban reciprocity treaty urged by the lamented 
McKinlev? 



20 A reporter's scrap-book. 

Is the President to be censured for using the water intended 
iby high financiers in watering stocks, to irrigate the rainless dis- 
tricts of the west ? 

( Is President Roosevelt to he punished, for attempting to 

\ weed out graft in the public service^ or is^this, too to b e^ immune 
\from national law as a legitimate perquisite of the privileged 
Yew ? . 

Will those who are railing at the President as unsafe, please 
file a bill of particulars, and the public may then judge as to his 
statesmanship and interest in the public welfare? 
Toledo, May 20, 1904. 

Ed. — This letter was written in reply to an interview printed 
in a Columbus paper, in which Gen. Spitzer criticised President 
Roosevelt, and said his policy had made financial conditions as bad 
as in the soup house days of the Cleveland administration. That 
General Spitzer was sincere, though misguided, was shown by his 
action three months later in again stating frankly that conditions 
were better, and in showing a friendly spirit to the administration. 
It is only fairness to him to state that his opinions are respected 
and he has been one of the important factors in the growth of 
Toledo in the past ten years. 

FORAKER ON THE RATE BILL. 

Senator 5j3raker^_speech_against__the rail_\yay rate 'bill was a 
disappointment to his frjends_i,n Qhio. While in his capacity as 
a railroad attorney hehas lived in an atmosphere which may lia ve 
made him conscientious in liis l)clief that tlie proposed bill is_unju3t 
to railroads, he has forgotten that,_.as_Xinited States senatorTT^is 
supposed to represent the people o£_01iio and not the railroad i~bf 
the state and nation, rnstead of _specious arguments to save the 
railroads from the force of the law__a s he had pl anned by his 
ameruiment at the time the Xurthern Securities d ecisSn'was^n- 
nouncedi _Mr. Foraker mi^it better -employ.^ his unqiiestioned 
talents in the interest of the people who are supposed to have sent 
him to the senate. — -__, 

The keynote of his argument is reported to be his opening 
sentence : 

"It is so contrary to the spirit of our institutions and of such 
drastic and revolutionary character that, if not in its immediate 
effect at least as a precedent, the consequences are likely to be 
most unusual and far reaching." 

If the bill framed is not "unusual and far reaching," it would 
not remedy the abuses that it is supposed to remedy. As to shat- 



A reporter's SCRAU'-BOOK. 21 

taring precedents, the people have arrived at the point where they 
would be g-lad to wreck a few musty precedents if it will eradicate 
evils. But what precedents have been shattered? 

Does_he mean to say that the government has.ngjjght to con- 
trol the corporations towhom it issue_charters? 

Does he take the same position credited to Senator Aldrich 
that the attempt of the government to fix rates of public service 
corporations is "infamous." Does he mean to say that the senate 
has accepted the theory that the government has no right to con- 
trol such corporations, that they are greater than their creator, 
J:he government? 

If this be true, the people take issue with the senate and shall 
insist that they control such corporations doing public service. Is 
Senator Foraker so blind to the popular demand that he proposes 
to deny reasonable control of corporations and thus arouse the 
people so much that they will demand ownership instead of 
control ? 

If Mr. Forak£r_js_acc[uainted with Ohio history, he knows 
that repeatedly the people of -this state have shown their suprenfa- 
cy over public service* corporations in fixiiTg_the rates for natural 
gas, for electric TTglits and that recently they have asserted tBe 
same right to fix a two-cent a mile raJ£-jQr_passengcr traffic in the 
state, a law that has been^sustained by courts of Michigan, New 
York and elsewhere. 

Mr. Foraker's plea that the evils thus far arising might have 
been reme 'ied by the e iforrement of the existing laws will 
not satisfy che demand ot the President and the people back of 
him. If the present laws are not enforced, why should he worry 
lest the proposed law shaM be enforced? 

Doesjie think that tiie people will be satisfied with a ratejbin 
t h at ties_j2ffijMaJls^ \vjth_^ eiTrTTe^^litig ation. ancTp u t s th e 

government, instead of the criminal, on the defensive? — WToH^e 
Editorial March 1, 1906. ^ " — 

FAIR PLAY OR A SQUARE DEAL. 

In his strictures of President Roosevelt because of the find- 
ings of the interstate commerce commission, E. H. Harriman, the 
great railroad trust magnate, expresses a thought that is well 
worthy serious reflection on the part of the American people. He 
is quoted as saying that a square deal does not mean "fair play," 
and he expresses his confidence that the "fair play" idea will again 
come into general acceptance in America. 



22 A reporter's scrap-book. 

What is the meaning of this expression? Simply this : That 
he in common with other men who have profited by old methods, 
believe that with the end of the Roosevelt administration the 
people will, either by indifference or lack of intelligence to have 
their will expressed in government, again relapse into the old 
ways. In other words "a square deal" for the people does not 
mean "fair play" for railroad companies to prey on the public by 
watering their stocks, by pooling interests to hold up the govern- 
ment for the highest figures for carrying mail, by giving secret 
rebates to big companies and thus driving the small concerns out 
of business, and 'by even crippling national enterprises like the 
Panama canal for private gain. Harriman's "fair play" means a 
return to the conditions that led to the insurance frauds, condi- 
tions that have produced thefts of government lands, that have 
brouht about dishonest profits through an inequitable tariff policy, 
that have placed tools of "frenzied interests" in seats of power in 
the nation, that make money, not manhood, the controling force. 
It means that the pagan idea of might making right shall obtain 
over the Christian idea of consideration for, and protection of, the 
weak and defenseless. It means that the boss shall again direct 
our politics and shall be pointed out to the youth as the successful 
man in public life, that low ideals, corruption and infamy shall 
prevail unrestrained by government interferences or control. 

That this idea of Mr. Harriman is generally accepted by most 
of the men who have profited by old piratical methods may be 
seen by any careful observer. It may be seen in the emanations 
from the dishonest quarters in Wall street, it may be seen in the 
atmosphere at Washington and reflected in the dispatches from 
Washington and New York to the press of the land. 

"AfteL Jjoosevelt jwe reUTrn_tO--pow_erlLis^ writ ten unm istak- 
ahly in the attitude of the political 'boss, jLhe dishonest finaThcier, 
and the. corrupt officehold-ec>-^T hey 'b elieve that alHflTe agitation, 
all the exposures of grait and corruption, all the education of 'the 
newspaper and magazine will avail nothing, that the people's will 
will be thwarted and that a compact nrganization of the forces 
which have profited in tli^ past by dishonest methods will again 
secure^theni_endless opportu nity for plu nder^ But the people" are 
no longer lethargic^ The awakening was a rude one, but likely 
to be a lasting one. Experience has again taught the prime im- 
portance of eternal vigilance and we cannot think that the lessons 
of the last five vears will soon be forgotten. — -Blade Editorial, 
March 6, 1907. 



A reporter's scrap-book. 23 

A BIT OF VERSE. 



HUMILITY— A BIRTHDAY THOUGHT. 

Like a mighty surging ocean 

Moves the busy hurried world, 
One life is but a breaker 

• That on the shore is hurled ; 
Some glide in so calm and peaceful 

That they scarcely touch the sand 
Others rush and lash in fury 

Other waves upon the strand : 
They pitch and foam and plunge 

And dash upon the rock 
The wrecks of many other Hves — 

But certain fate they mock, 
For all alike are wafted back 

To the great eternal sea 
And the quiet wave glides in 

And back so easily 
That makes one wonder why . 

The clash and awful dash 
To rise upon the sand 

And meet the heat of the great sun's rays 
Or the rugged barren land. 

Why all this bickering and strife 
For only wealth and power? 

Why not consider lasting things 
Not just the passing hour? 

The kindly deed, the tender look, 
The love the Father gave 

Are better far than kingly crown 
To cherish and to save. 

If then some day we wander back 
Into eternity 

The mighty ocean of His love 
Will welcome vou and me. 



24 



A REPORTER S SCRAP-BOOK. 




A reporter's scrap-book. 
THE BUGLE, FIFE AND DRUM. 



25 



See Prontispiece. 

When peace is hovering o'er the land 

And the nation is serene, 
The multitudes are thrilled and swayed 

With music's sweetest dream. 
But when duty calls to battlefield 

And war's alarums come 
Its hosts are cheered to victory 

By the bugle, fife and drum. 

The music of the orchestra. 

With its strains sublime and grand 
And the stirring march and quickstep 

Of the magnificent brass band 
May thrill the throngs at home 

^ And lead the troops to strife 
But men fight on the firing line 

With the bugle, drum and fife. 

O the music of the bugle 

With its pure unfettered tone ; 
How its music stirs the army 

When its commands are known ! 
From "reveille" to "taps." 

It gives the men new life 
Accompanied by the music 

Of the stirring drum and fife. 

The piercing fife and the stirring drum ! 
What memories o'er us trooping come ! 
At Bunker Hill at Gettysburg and at Manila Bay 

You "led the way to glory 

You tell the nation's story 

Of freedom and its price we've had to pay. 
****** 

When the nation is in danger 

And war's alarums come. 
We look to thrill us onward 

To the bugle, fife and drum. 



26 A reporter's scrap-book. 

STEEDMAN AT CHICKAMAUGA. 



Held by strict orders on the mountain side, 
Steedman viewed the battle from afar; 

Chafing with restraint, he saw the tide 

Of battle go against us — the Single Star 

Sweep the Stars and Stripes away, 

And seemed already to have won the day. 

Stern orders told him to remain 

And hold the pass given to his care ; 

A higher duty told him 'twas a stain 
To stay — Why could he not share 

His comrades fate ? Perhaps 'twas not too late 

To save the army from its seeming fate. 

His eyes flashed fire as he rode along, 
Death to disobey — yet to remain 
And see the slaughter — that was wrong. 

He took the chances, seized his bridle rein, 
"Forward !" he cried in stern command 
And forward moved his gallant band. 

Thomas saw from the hilltop rise 

A cloud of dust that spoke of moving men 
Friend or foe, could not be told, his eyes 

Could not discern. He looked again, 
He could scarcely hope for aid 
If strict orders had been obeyed. 

Like a rock his troops had stood, 
With Spartan nerve, "a. human wood," 
But human strength had lost its power 
And must give way that very hour 
Unless relief at once should come, 
From whence? There could be none. 

But now the line is giving way, 
The Blue o'erwhelmed by the Gray ; 
When suddenly, mid din and smoke 
Six thousand Union muskets spoke. 
The foe was staggered by the blow- 
That laid their many comrades low. 



A reporter's scrap-book. 27 

"Double quick! Forward! Guide right!" 
And forward in their strength and might 
Moved this gallant band, and swept 
Aside the foe. Comrades wept 
With joy — the foe in full retreat, 
Victory snatched from sore defeat. 

And round the camp fire that night 
Was told the story of the fight, 
How Thomas in his gallant way 
Proclaimed Steedman hero of the day. 
Thomas! Steedman! Your deeds the power. 
That saved the army in that awful hour. 



IN THE YEAR '00. 

In the coming century 

It is thought 
That the world will better be — 

And it ought. 
When the hundred years begin 

May cloud the brain like sin ; 
The better era should come in 

With the year of naughty-naught. 

Boer and Britian now at war. 

Over gold. 
Mars now seems the rising star, 

As of old. 
And the peace that men demand 

Is a piece of mining land ; 
And for this we firmly stand, 

In the year of naughty-naught. 

Sage and poet now dilate 

On the past ; 
Think no century so great 

As the last. 
Steam and electric power applied, 

Liquid air and what else tried, 
Most drives a man to suicide, 

In the year of nausfhtv-nausfht. 



28 A rkporter's scrap-book. 

Politicians oft proclaim, 

Every year, 
That in life their only aim 

Is country dear. 
But they look for office "ipap," 

Or something else to tap ; 
Care for country not a rap, 

In the year of naughty-naught. 

But better times are here. 

We believe ; 
And real truth, men appear 

To receive. 
And the truth shall make men free ; 

. Kings shall yield, and bend the knee. 
At the voice of liberty. 

From the vear of naughtv-naught. 

Toledo, O., 1898 



PLAIN 'TATERS AND SOP. 

Take a nice country ham and slice it just right, 
Fry it well in a skillet, have a good appet te ; 
Then take some potatoes, mashed just to the taste. 
Eat the ham with some bread, not soaked to a paste. 
But sopped just enough in ham gravy jrown, 
A dish for a king^there's nothing in town 
That a fellow can eat and need net to stop 
Like the old country dish of 'taters and sop. 

I know there are some who sneer at such taste, 
And think these vvords idle — as spoken in haste ; 
They point you to lobsters, the salads and oup 
That the French chef prepares the palate to dupe ; 
But these have no charms, nor the banquets in state 
With bouillon and agony — five dollars a plate ; 
These mystery dishes, I'd all gladly drop 
For what w ; country jakes called 'taters and sop. 

I know that these words make an old fashioned phrase, 
Not elegant — crude in a good many ways. 
But, somehow, the old fashioned and rustic appeal 
All the more to my senses as years o'er me steal ; 



A reporter's scrap-book. 29 

Give me old fashioned virtues, and old fashioned life, 
An old fashioned Bible, an old fashioned wife ; 
There's one consolation, not a dude nor a fop 
Will claim he's old fashioned, or say " "taters and sop. 

Not all of the old nor all of the new 

Has virtue in the fact of the time we may view ; 

Yet old fashioned phrases deal plainly with sin, 

They mince not the words, but boldly wade in. 

Untruth was styled "lying;" I know it was crude; 

What then we called "stealing" we now sometimes call 

"shrewd." 
And old fashioned honor in office and shop, 
Is what we need nowadays, with 'taters and sop. 

How gladly we turn to those old country days 
With its joys, its blessings, its sorrows, its ways ; 
The sweet scented meadows, the sun shining down, 
Air pure as the dew — nothing like it in town — 
No tenement districts, no wretchedly poor. 
Not the fierce strife to keep the wolf from the door; 
I've seen in the nation that men at the top 
Once lived in the country and ate 'taters and sop. 



30 A reporter's scrap-book. 

A HISTORY OF THE MAUMEE VALLEY AND 
OTHER SEAPORTS OF THE U. S. A. 

A Tai.e or Northwestern Ohio and Elsewhere Writien in 
Rag Time eor Modern Readers. 

The early history of the Manmee Valley has been somewhat 
veiled in mystery and it is to relieve the popular mind of certain 
fancies that the present work is undertaken. 

While it is not wholly satisfactory to begin a serious history 
with a supposition, yet it must be taken for g-ranted that this part 
of the U. S. A., came into existence about the same time as the 
rest of the world. We might start with the nebular hypothesis 
and then gradually evolve the development of this section, but the 
nebular hypothesis wasn't generally believed those days anyhow 
and we have no desire "to throw it into" or remote ancestors who 
often didn't have money enough on hand to buy Lick telescopes 
and look for lost, strayed or missing nebulae. Indeed, those good 
old times were different in many respects from the present and U. 
S. Steel stock and JNIanhattan Elevated weren't worth five cents 
on the dollar and there wasn't ten cents worth of water in the 
stock either. 

The most ancient period of which the oldest inhabitant has 
any record was the glacial age. It was then that the Great Lakes 
and Niagara Falls were formed and great deposits of gravel and 
sand left in various parts of Ohio for future building companies 
to monopolize. If all reports are true it was chilly in those days, 
and the weather bureau kept up cold wave signals continuously. 
Artificial ice plants were not needed and invention awaited the 
coming of the ice trusts to provide a means of emancipation from 
it clutches. 

Having penned these few lines and hoping you are all well, 
we will leave this preliminary geological survey and jump into 
the serious history of the Maumee A^alley. with this mental res- 
ervation, however, that we will not allow ourselves to be ham- 
pered by the facts whenever they stand in the way of our duty 
to the modern reader who wants the worth of his money. 

CHAPTER I. 

Bill Nemo "Butts Into'' Science. 
WHiither or whence came the first man to America, and the 
Maumee Valley has puzzled wise men for ages. All have failed 



A rkportf.r's scrap-book. 31 

to solve the riddle because they neglected to inquire of Bill 
Nemo of Jerusalem township. Rill is a French trapper, who has 
hunted muskrats in the Cedar Point "ma'sh" ever since he can 
remember and testifies that "the muskrat, she is the best fish 
what flv.'' Bill says that the Garden of Eden was located in the 
fruit belt, along- the lake shore. He argues with the reason- 
ing of many scientific persons that since wise men of all ages 
have shown conclusively that the Garden of Eden was nowhere 
else, it must have been in Jesusalem township. 

''Look at the number of scrij^tural names that have come 
down to us to this day. Eook at the number of Adamses there 
are in Lucas countv. Then there are .\dams and Jerusalem 
townships, both scriptural names. Then who would ciuestion 
the superiority of the apples raised along the lake shore ?" 

These are Bill's arguments, though expressed in hybrid 
French and English dialect, and who can {[uestion their ac- 
curacv? He might further have mentioned that the wicked- 
ness that led to the first great deluge has seemed tO' settle upon 
certain localities in Toledo. - He does argue that the fact of 
Noah landing at Mt. Arrarat, does not disprove his theory, as the 
time required for the flood to subside would have given ample 
opportunity to reach there. 

For a few years after Noah's time the records of the early 
history of the Maumee Valley seemed to have seen lost, though 
there is no hint that the county officials destroyed the docu- 
ments to checkmate an investigation. History seems to have 
slipped a cog until the arrival of the ]\Iound Builders. 

Where did these people come from? Others have attempt- 
ed to explain in vain. Their origin is easy of comprehension. 
They came here from Moundsville, West A'irginia. 

Some skeptics might inquire how they got to Aloimdsville, 
but we hold that this is impertinent. Like the colored philoso- 
pher who had explained how the world rested upon a turtle's 
back and was attacked by the question what the turtle rested 
upon, the reply will apply to the Mound Builders, "It is just 
such fool questions as these asked by no 'count niggahs that 
over turns faith in philosophy." 

It is more to the point to know what the ?kIound Builders 
did when they did come here. 

Why did not the Mound Builders erect mounds in the 
Maumee Valley? Here is another problem of historians which 
we will explain with one hand tied behind the back, and in full 
view' of the audience. 



32 A reporter's scrap-book. 

We have it straight from the Mould Builders' hieroglyhics 
that they did attempt it. This history was discovered written on 
a cement block, from which the following is translated : 

"This is what I call a puddin' " said Pileser Hump, resi- 
dent engineer to a crowd of Mound Builders that had gathered 
at the right bank at the mouth of the 'Maumee. 

He dug a spade easily into the black soil deposit where now 
is Presque Isle. 

"We'll put up a mound here in three months that'll make the 
old folks at Moundsville think they are living in a barn.") 

Like many impulsive young man, Mr. Hump was doomed 
to disappointment. He set the plows and scrapers to work to 
cut a channel through back of 'Presque Isle and for a few days 
dirt flew like magic. 

"I'm glad we don't have to bother with the United States 
senate," said Hump one day to a road supervisor. 

"If we did, we'd cut the cable, eh, Pileser?" drawled out 
the supervisor as he shifted a cud of tobacco to the other side 
of his mouth. 

On the thirteenth day the scrapers and plows got off the 
top deposit and struck clay. The horses pulled and tugged, 
broke clevises and single trees, but the sticky mud held firm 

"I've plowed among the roots in new ground, and I've brok- 
en up a field so full of rocks, that it looked like a pumpkin patch, 
but this 'jack wax' has got me beat," said the foreman to En- 
gineer Hump. 

"Perhaps the sign of the moon isn't right. Let's wait ten 
days," said the superstitious Hump. 

Two weeks elapsed. Engineer Hump thought he had a 
scheme to break up the clay. He tried dynamite and nitro- 
glycerine, but the shots fizzled out, making only a mud puddle 
in the canal. He tried electrolysis, but the clay remained un- 
yielding. 

"I have a scheme. Let's have Harvey Piatt get out a 
petition for this mound, and he'll get it. He never quit anything 
he ever attempted yet," suggested the foreman to the engineer. 

The suggestion of a subordinate was not to be considered 
by the skilled engineer. 

"I'm going to Chicago tonight to take the matter up with 
a big firm there," replied Engineer Hump. 

"But Chicago isn't built yet," said the foreman. 

"I hadn't thought of that," replied Engineer Hump, "How 
stupid of me. Well, we'll quit the job altogether." 



A REPORTER S SCRAP-BOOK. 



33 



And the next day an army of men with plows and road 
scrapers filed slowly along the river headed for Southern Ohio. 
For years afterwards a signboard might have been seen dis- 
played at Presque Isle with an inscription which translated 
read : - '~^ 



1 



I 



This Beats 
The Dutch 



CHAPTER II. 
The Whenceness of the Indian. 

Whence came the American Indian? 

This question has seemed to puzzle antiquarians and his- 
torians for centuries. Indians have had this question of their 
origin flung into their teeth all these years, but have been 
long suffering, and have submitted to the insult in silence. 

Others have not had the nerve to take up the cudgel in 
their defense but now the worm has turned. 

"Where did you come from?" we ask on behalf of the 
American Indian. 

"You needn't get so gay and swelled up on your history, 
for it has been only a few years since your ancestors were liv- 
inof off of acorns and cocoanuts, while the Indians now rise to 



. 34 A reporter's scrap-book. 

claim a civilization prior to yours. To quote from an eminent 
authority, 'if you leave to the Darwin evolutionists where you 
came from, and to the theologians where you are going to 
you ought to be satisfied that you are here.' " 

But now that your historians have pried ofif the lid we 
purpose to tell a few tales out of school about the history of the 
American Indian. We claim that America is the oldest conti- 
nent in the world and defy you to prove the contrary. Further- 
more, we claim a history prior to your pauper nationalities of 
Europe and Asia and ask you to show us Missourians the re- 
verse. European civilizations trace their origin to Asia and there 
the claim is made that China antedates anything they have been 
able to claim. 

The American Indian does not purpose to take a back seat 
for the heathen Chinese, but holds that China owes its origin 
to some refuse convicts that were exiled from America 8546 
years ago, February 30. 

At that time "civilization" in America had reached its 
highest point. Dirigible air ships were as thick as flies in 
July, and trolley cars, sky scrapers and flat dwellers were too 
common to cause comment. City and county officials drew fat 
salaries for an indifferent attention to city and county aflfairs, 
state legislatures and congress passed bills that the people didn't 
want, and when they preteneded to enact a favorable law, there 
was a joker or sleeper section that knocked the whole law galley 
west, men were sent to the penitentiary for stealing bread, and 
to the senate for stealing a railroad system or cleaning up a 
million in watered finance, and there was a disregard of private 
and public morals. 

A constitutional convention was called to reform matters and 
it was decided that the best method was a return to the simple 
life. Sky scrapers, tenement houses and cathedrals were leveled 
and the whole .population which had been traveling a furious 
pace "took to the woods" and lived an easy life in the bosom 
of nature. 

Where are the evidences of this past civilization, may be 
asked by the skeptic. 

Look at the wide prairies which had been formerly peopled 
and tilled. The wooded portion of America had simply been oc- 
cupied so much longer prior to that time that great forests had 
sprung up. As to ruins of the great cathedrals and sky scrapers, 
they existed so long before the cathedrals of the old world, that 
all evidences have been destroyed. Nothing can withstand the 
ravages of time. 



A reporter's scrap-book. 35 

But what has this got to do with the history of the Maumee 
Valley? Simply that it shows how the American Indian lived in 
this valley before recorded history elsewhere and the forests in 
this vicinity prove that this is one of the oldest inhabited parts 
of the world. The return to simple life had occurred years be- 
fore the discovery of America, which must now be briefly re- 
counted 

CHAPTER III. 

How Chris Discovered Us. 

Chief High Mucky-Muck, standing on the bay shore at 
Presque Isle, shaded his eyes with his hand and eagerly scanned 
the eastern horison. Looking intently he saw unmistakably, 
smoke from three fires rising skyward. 

"That's the sign. Columbus has discovered us. I see our 
finish," muttered the chief as he returned to his wigwam tcv 
announce the sad tidings to the tribe. 

"I knew Chris, was coming, but I hoped he would post- 
pone it a hundred years or so," said the chief to his peo-ple. "We 
might as well begin to adopt civilizing and refining ways." 

Thus spoke the chief, but ere eighteen moons had waxed 
and waned, he had reason to regret his words. 

The younger braves began to lie and steal, a thing un- 
known before in the history of the Indian race, while one in- 
ventor succeeded in producing wines and alcoholic liquors that 
demoralized the tribe. 

"If we are to learn the ways of the white man, I have a 
plan whereby we may all wax rich without efifort," announced 
a young brave to the tribe at a council held at the chief's wigwam 
one day. 

"I am organizing the Aboriginee Hunting and Develop- 
ment company," he announced, "and we guarantee twenty per 
cent, dividends the first year. My company is organized for 
100,000 deer skins and we propose to handle the hunting and 
trapping business in the Maumee Valley. You pay in the 
deer skins to me and I handle the business. 

'That looks good to me," said the innocent chief. "I'll put 
in 10,000 skins myself, and if the interest comes in promptly, I 
can give my squaws an eight hour day after the first of next 
year. They do have to work pretty hard now, though it has its 
beneficial effects." 

After the chief had laid hold of the scheme, the promoter 
found no trouble in financing his enterprise. He had to sit 



36 A reporter's scrap-book. 

up night signing paper for delivery the next day, so great was 
the demand to get into the company. 

The promoter soon had his company in full swing and put 
out traps along the river and in the marshes, and so successful 
■was his plan that at the end of the year he announced to the 
chief that he could pay the twenty per cent, dividend and then 
put a snug sum into the emergency fund. He had planned to 
vote himself a big increase in salary and float one hundred 
thousand more stock when he met the stockholders at the annual 
meeting. 

He arrayed himself in his best deerskin suit and hied himself 
into the presence of the chief for the annual meeting. 

"I am here to deliver the goods." announced the promoter 
as he took out his checkbook and prepared to pay the stock- 
holders. 

"Hold on a minute," said Chief Mucky-Muck. "I hear bad 
reports of this company. I hear that your company has broken 
up the traps of the poor braves of my tribe. That you steal 
game out of their traps and that if they protest they are killed 
-or their reputation ruined." 

"But my good chief, I secured the dividends. Why should 
you inquire where the money came from, so long as it is here?" 

"That may do for white man's high finance, but it doesn't 
go here while I am governor. I've had more trouble, more 
suffering and misery among my people in the past year than ever 
before and I'll be hanged if it will go any farther. Braves, when 
shall we have this pirate's funeral?" 

"Let's call the game at sunrise tomorrow. Meanwhile we 
will decide whether to skin him alive, burn at the stake or 
merely shoot him. 

"But," interrupted the promoter, "don't I get a chance to 
get a congressional investigation or something to fix this matter 
up? I'll ask for an injunction and carry it to the supreme 
court." 

"Not much-ee-much," grunted the chief. Down goes your 
meat house at four tomorrow. Here's where I cut out all white 
man's innovations. I don't go much on the idea of sending 
missionaries here to teach us to be kind and then use our in- 
nocence to rob us of our land and hunting grounds. The first 
thing we know, our whole tribe will be drinking whiskey, smok- 
ing cigarettes and taking opium. We'll have divorce courts 
■and scandals and cut throats methods in business. Our squaws 
will be gossiping and talking women's suffrage. Here's where 
we refuse to take up the white man's burden." 



A reporter's scrap-book. 37 

The next day at sunrise the promoter was jerked hence, so 
that subsequent events interested him no further. He died 
game. 

"The only trouble with me is, I'm four hundred years 
ahead of my times." were the last words of Marmion. 

CHAPTER IV. 
Gospel and Grafters. 

How long it took the, Indians to settle the Maumee Valley 
is not known, but from the colonial wars we have a pretty 
accurate history of how long it took the government to settle 
the Indian. If history and tradition are to 'be accepted, it ap- 
pears that the Indian got decidedly the worst of it in 'his 
contact with "higher civjilization." The Blible 'was followed 
by whisky, and thieving traders and the Indians learned to 
lie and steal with great facility, but while readily absorbing- 
the vices of the white man failed to take seriously to his. 
virtues. And with piratical traders to beat him out of his skins,, 
and white men grabbing his lands, it is not surprising that he 
whetted up his scalping knife and went out "to start something." 
And with the English pretending to be his friend and inciting 
him to throw the harpoon into the Americans, it was little wonder 
that about the time of the close of the Revolutionary War the 
Indians had figured out a perennial picnic along the Maumee 
with a little occasional excitement in lifting the hair of the in- 
coming colonist or making him run the gauntlet between twO' 
lines of braves. 

And it is not surprising that after these killings the Ameri- 
can arrived at the conclusion that the only good Indian is the 
dead Indian, and adopted a policy of extermination that has 
been continued until the Indian is harmless, save in affording 
opportunity for government graft. 

Governor St. Clair thought to -put the Indians of the 
Northwest on the run, but the Indians got possession of his 
plans and published it in their newspapers, loaded gatling guns 
and thirteen-inch rifles and headed up the Maumee Valley for 
Fort Recovery. It is unnecessary to dwell upon this sad fight 
in American annals, for "there was nothing to it." 

When General Wayne and a force of men were dispatched 
in this direction, the Indian chiefs got together and decided that 
they had some real business on hand. 

General Wayne led his men past the site of St. Clair's de- 
feat and on to Fort Wayne. 

"What's the best way to get to Toledo," he inquired of 
a burly policeman in front of Ft. Wayne brewery. 



38 A reporter's scrap-book. 

"I'd advise you to keep away from there," was the reply. 

"But I've got a little job up there, saving the country from 
the Indians." 

"The darned country isn't worth saving. I've been there. 
There is nothing but frog ponds, mosquitoes and ague." 

"But I'm going anyhow." 

"Well, if you are bound to go, you'd better take the Wabash 
and follow the flag." 

After these instructions. General Wayne made his way to 
Defiance. 



General Wav-ne and Colonel Perkins of Kentucky were en- 
gaged in a quiet pedro game in the tent of the latter and the 
game had reached an interesting stage. 

"I'll bid six," said the colonel. 

"I'll bid—" 

At his point he was interrupted by an Indian chief who 
rushed into the tent and shouted, 

"I'll bid defiance!" 

"You'll be sorry for this," shouted General Wayne to Little 
Turtle, for such it was who interrupted the game. "I'll allow no 
child of the forest to put the lid on when I'm around. After 
this interference, mark my word, you shall never be postmaster 
at Maumee." 

Quaking with fear Little Turtle hurried from his tent and 
•gathering up his braves got ready for the fray. 

General Wayne expected after this interview that the In- 
"dians would take to tall timber but in this he was mistaken. The 
Indians instead chose a place where the trees had fallen and 
\vhich heame known as the battleground of Fallen Timbers. 

When General Wayne got stirred up over anything, some- 
thing had to give and when he gathered up his soldiers is was 
evident that there would be a fight worth going miles to see. It was 
no surprise therefore when the enterprizing editor of the Defiance 
Clarion said to the foreman: "Bill, you had better have the 
'boys hang around late this afternoon. I 'believe General Wayne 
will give us some stufif for an extra and we will not need any 
boiler plate to fill in either." 

Thereupon the editor swung upon the last car of the Wabash 
13:50 train headed for Waterville. "I'll telephone you from the 
grounds when the general calls 'thirty,' " sang out the editor 
as he climbed upon the car platform. His last words were in- 
distinct to the foreman but he gathered from the imprecations 
that his chief had forgotten his mileage book and would have to 
pay his fare. 



A reporter's scrap-book. 39 

CHAPTER V. 
Wayne's Victory. 

"This aint no fit place for Indians to be. I move we ad- 
journ," said Little Turtle as his braves began falling under the 
deadly fire of the Kentucky riflemen. There was a whirlwind 
of "ayes" and the party left the field on the jump. 

"I'll be in Manhattan first," said a fleet footed brave as he 
lan like a scared dog down the river trail past Ft. Miami, headed 
towards Detroit. 

"I never did like this country, I'm going to Canada," 
yelled a panting brave who was doing his best to win the foot 
race. 

The British garrison ot Ft. Miami was annoyed over the 
result and the fact that General Wayne and his men showed an 
indifference to the fort. The British commander sent a curt 
note to General Wayne: "Don't you know we're here?" he 
said. "No game is scheduled between the British and Americans 
now and I wish you would keep off our diamond. We are 
strongly fortified with enough beer to last two months." 

"You're another," wrote the American general in reply. 
"Don't get so sassy or we'll take a fall out of you. I know my 
business. I helped clean up your bunch once and I can do it 
again. You had better move on yourself or we'll get you." 

The British commander did not reply but he narrowly es- 
caped nervous prostration for fear General Wayne would turn 
up to deliver the goods. 

Instead however General Wayne returned to the South 
thinking to save a little of the fun for the following spring. 

The next year the Indian chiefs patched up a treaty at Green- 
ville relinquishing northern Ohio to the Americans The scene 
of signing the treaty was impressive. Little Turtle, Big Knife, 
Hatchet Face, Hot Stuff and other Indian chiefs were gathered 
in a row under a maple tree with General Wayne and staff op- 
posite. 

"You have said the right words," exclaimed Little Turtle in 
broken English, "have you a chew of blackleg about your per- 
son?" 

General Wayne produced the goods. 

"Have you forty wrappers of kilikinick," was asked. 

"You bet he has," said the chief of staff to the Indians. 

"The only thing we can do is to turn over the property. 
I'm Rafl'les and you have discovered me. Where's my sten- 
ographer?" 



40 



A reporter's scrap-book. 




A reporter's scrap-book. 41 

An Indian brave stepped forward and unfolded a type- 
written manuscript from which Little Turtle read : 

"Whereas, the climate about Maumee has become distress- 
ingly unhealthy for Indians, we hereby announce that we will 
seek another and more favorable location for our tribes. 

"In moving to Canada we would respectfully ask 'the Whirl- 
wind' (General Wayne) to use his efforts to have the tariff re- 
moved from firewater and huckleberries." 

Sworn to and subscribed before me this dav of 

1795. 

Little Turtle, his x mark. 

CHAPTER VI. 

Hull's Defeat — 9 to 0. 

In the opening days of the war of 1812 the Indians in the 
Northwest known as Ohio and the Maumee Valley again 'became 
active and a force of men was dispatched against the British and 
Indians. 

General Hull, commander, worked his way with his army as 
far as Detroit where he was met by a force of British and In- 
dians. He was challenged for a scrimmage but after looking 
over his antagonists he said: "You fellows go some place and 
get a reputation before you can fight me." 

The Indian chiefs parleyed and announced that he must 
either fight or turn over the championship belt. 

"We believe you have a streak of yellow," they said in brok- 
en English. "xA-fter having yourself interviewed by the New 
York papers as to what you were going to do, you come out 
here with a blufif which we will call. This game is advertised 
and is going to be pulled ofif rain or shine." 

"I refuse to fight my inferiors socially," haughtily announced 
General Hull. "Didn't the government select me because of my 
high social standing, my graceful step in the ballroom and my 
knowledge of table etiquette? Would you have me degrade my- 
self by fighting unsophisticated children of the forest who live 
on roots and muskrats?" 

"Rotten! Egg him! Soak him," yelled his fellow officers. 

"If you refuse to fight. General Hull." said the referee, 
"this game is forfeited to the British and Indians 'bv a score of 
9 to O"^ 



42 A reporter's scrap-book, 

CHAPTER VII. 
Proctor's Puddin'. 

This is what I call a puddin'," said General Proctor to 
Tecumseh as they were wending their way up the Sandusky river 
to Fort Stephenson after an unsuccessful attack upon Fort 
Meigs. 

In fact the general became ashamed of himself at the big 
force at his command going up to capture a handful of men and 
sent word to Major Croghan at the fort to surrender and save 
the slaughter. 

"You fellows have had a long trip to have a little fun," re- 
plied the major, "and I am not going to spoil it. I haven't got 
my furniture packed to move out yet and if you and Tecumseh 
want to try to evict me send in your constables. I'll try to give 
them the best we have in the shop." 

Peter Navarre, the scout, had been there in the morning 
with a note to the major from General Harrison advising him to 
retire, but he did not propose to leave without a peremptory 
•order. 

"I hate to jump onto that little fellow," said Proctor as he 
finally ordered an attack. "I'll send a few of the boys in to 
clean him up and then I'll give him a good time for a week or 
so to cheer him up after his licking." 

The assault was made but in a short time his men came roll - 
ing back with the news that the British and Indians had been 
beaten. 

"Wow ! That little sardine is a wonder. He can Ixk his 
weight in wildcats!" 

"We'll fix him this time for keeps," said Proctor as he or- 
dered a general assault. 

"Fine dubs!" yelled the British as the major's force begT.n 
mowing them down. 

" You spoke too latt," said Major Croghon, "There T<i no 
king's ex. in this countn aow. We spent six or seven )-4irs 
throwing the king out of here before and anyhow we had our 
fingers crossed." 

Major Croghan had arranged his handful of men well and 
old Betsy Croghan, the one cannon of the fort, was doing a double 
quick, firing in every Axection to create the impression that the 
men had forty gatling guns and sixteen rapid fire eight inch 
cannon. 

The British massed it)r a general assault and came in solid 
column up the ravine. Old Betsy was on hand with the goods 



A reporter's scrap-book. 43 

and when the smoke had cleared away there was such a muss of 
Indians and British scattered along the ravine that it took the 
men three days to scrub up. 

Major Crog-han sent this brief note to General Harrison: 
"The enemy has met us and we have some of the pieces." 

CHAPTER VHI. 
Perry's Knockout Blow. 

"Set your alarm clocks for four-thirty tomorrow," said 
Commodore Oliver H. Perry as his fleet sailed into Put-in-Bay on 
the evening of September 9, 1813, 

The order was obeyed and at that hour on the morning of 
the tenth the whole crew was out scraping the keels of the ves- 
sels for the fast trip expected that day. 

"The early bird catches the worm," was the watchword 
signalled the fleet from the flagship Lawrence. 

When the approaching British fleet discovered the war cry, 
Commodore Barclay at once displayed this signal of defiance and 
ordered it lashed at everv masthead : "I don't believe Perry is a 
bird." 

"That will hold him for awhile until we get a crack at him," 
muttered the British ofiicer as he paced the deck of his flagship 
munching a ham sandwich after a belated breakfast. 

Perry's adage about early rising proved true although there 
were a few uneasy moments in its demonstration. 

"Ship ahoy!" yelled the watchman from aloft on the fore- 
most British vessel. 

"What's that the dub's saying about Eddie Foy?"' inquired 
an Irish deckhand on the Niagara as he failed to catch the words. 

"Avast you lubber ! It's time to spit on your hands and grab 
your shillelah," said an officer at his side. 

The fleets clinched. 

Perry swung in around Barclay and sent a left upper cut to 
the jaw and landed the right on his wind. Barclay was groggy 
when the gong sounded at the end of the first round. 

Again heavy broadsides were landed and the thundering 
roar of cannon was interspersed with spiteful rifle fire. Crash 
followed crash in rapid succession as the cannon belched forth 
their storm of shot and shell. In the midst of the struggle Perry 
discovered that his flagship Lawrence had sprung a leak and he 
decided to take his flag to the Niagara. 

He had proceeded but a short distance when a camera fiend 
from one of the New York papers hailed him to pose for a pic- 
ture. 



44 A rkporter's scrap-book. 

It appears that in those days as now the newspapers had 
great influence with the army and navy and mapped out all plans 
and strategy for them. 

"Cease firing! The Commodore must have his picture 
taken !" was the signal displayed from the mastheads. 

"I hate to interrupt this battle," said the photographer," but 
if the Commodore is to have a .picture suitable for school geo- 
graphies and for adorning the capitol walls at Washington now 
is the only time to get it and have the proper atmosphere." 

The British fleet readily consented to allowing the pose, one 
of the officers commenting that most of the boys would want a 
picture of the man "man who put it all over us today." 

Indeed the British, by request of the photographer fired sev- 
eral blank shots to furnish a smoky background for the picture. 

"The Commodore is a bird," said the photographer as he 
put his black cloth over his head, adjusted the lens shutter and 
looked at the picture on the ground plate, and ever afterward 
photographers have told children about a bird in the camera to 
get their attention. 

Standing bareheaded in the small boat, with his sword in 
hand and pointing to the Niagara he made a fine picture. The 
photographer exposed two plates for he said he would take no 
chances in missing such an important picture. 

Again the battle raged until Barclay admitted that his name 
was "mud." 

Perry took his victory modestly, sending a wireless message- 
to General Harrison at Ft. Meigs : "We have met the enemy 
and they are ours. Two ships, two brigs and a sloop. Have a 
schooner on me." 

oinc. 

N. B. The reader will observe that this message does not 
conform with that recorded in history but we hold that the real 
facts were doctored by the anti-saloon league. 



A REPORTER S SCRAP-BOOK. 



45 







s^^^^* 



It is not often that we delve into ancient history, but it has 
occurred to us that there mig-ht be a few statements relative to 
the life of the early Egyptians that might be of interest. As the 
scientist fixes the culmination of his dire predictions about the 
world so far in the future as "to prevent us getting a bet out 
of them," as one youngster expressed it, so the writer has the 
advantage in going back far into the dim and "musty" past so 
that there will be no question as to the authenticity of his state- 
ments. 



It was to be a gala day in Gizeh. 

For weeks the Gizeh Papyrus had heralded the news of the 
cornerstone laying of the new pyramid, made extended comment 
upon the fact that the big his toric pile was to be located at this 
city, and congratulated the government on its decision. True, 
the facilities in those days were limited in getting out news- 
papers, as all the writing had to be done on papyrus by hand, but 
there was newspapers rivalry then as now. 

At Sakahara, forty miles distant, the people were jealous of 
Gizeh's good luck in getting the pyramid, and the Sakahara 
Gazette showed its venom by thrusts at Cheops, the king. It 
was intimated that Cheops accepted a bribe of 2,000 sheep to 



46 



A REPORTKR S SCRAP-BOOK. 



locate the monument in Gizeh and they nicknamed him "Mutton 
Chops" and said he expected to put up the pyramid with non- 
union labor. 







"CHEePS 3AryE.D THE AIR'.' 



The pyramid edition of the Gizeh Papyrus was "a triumph 
of modern journalism," as the paper referred in admiring terms 
to itself. 



A reporter's scrap-book. 47 

The edition on the day previous to the big show said : 

"Jealousy of rival hamlets Hke Sakahara can not dim the 
grandeur of the great celebration of to-morrow^. It will be a 
blow-out worth going miles to see. Excursions will be given on all 
caravans and special trains of camels and mules will run be- 
tween here and the Nile for the benefit of those coming by 
water. 

"Cheops is due to arrive by the noon train from Memphis, 
and he will be given an ovation on his arrival. Tin horns and 
horse fiddles can be secured at the Papyrus office at ten shekels 
each, just enough to cover the cost of their manufacture. Fel- 
low-citizens of Gizeh, turn out and give Cheops the glad hand ! 
The new pyramid will bring thousands of workmen to this city, 
and our town will grow so that Sakahara will feel worse than 
thirty shekels. 

"On this occasion, the Sphynx will speak from noon until 
1 :30 p. m., to be followed by an address by Cheops himself." 



The advertisements of the Papyrus are worth attention. 
Here are a few : 

"When dead, go to Abkr and Rameses for mummy cloth. 
We keep the best in the market. Warranted not to rip, wear 
out or unravel. Come early and avoid the rush. Special em- 
balmer to Cheops and his family." 



"While in Gizeh, don't miss the Midway. 



"Take Moike Abel-man-deb's hack for the pyramid tomor- 
row. Only ten shekels. Return tickets, fifteen." 



"See the mermaid, the two-headed calf and other living 
wonders at the tent at the left of the pyramid. Take the ele- 
vator." 



"Serenade of sacred cats at the pyramid tomorrow evening. 
Omit flowers. Stay for the concert." 



"Grape juice and hard cider, warranted to paralyze at eleven 
yards at S. Leon's." 



"The Papyrus will get out a special edition of twenty (20) 
copies tomorrow afternoon. It will contain a fine likeness of 
Cheops and other illustrations." 



48 A reporter's scrap-book. 

The day of the great occasion dawned at Gizeh. The sun 
arose "in all its majesty," as it had arisen thousands of times be- 
fore and has since. In order to save space, we omit tne ooloring 
of the clouds, the gorgeous sunrise, etc., ad nauseam whuch may 
be found at the front part of any book of romance or othei 
fiction. It is sufficient to say that the sun arose in good shape, 
despite the prediction of the weather man for heavy showers. 
Crowds from surrounding plain and city began to arrive in 
droves, and the dusty streets were alive with humanuv. Fakirs 
were at work on the country inhabitants, clothing merchants 
were selling togas "at half-price," fooling unsuspecting pur- 
chasers by holding great handfuls of cloth in their hands and as- 
suring the patron that it fit "yust like de paper on de vail ;" while 
mixers of strong drinks got out their "welcome delegates" sign 
and placed it over the doors to their places of business. 

But why worry with details ? Humanity in all ages has 
been pretty much the same. 

Sufficient to say that Cheops arrived in stat^.e shortly after 
noon at the Gizeh inn, where he was welcomed by the mayor of 
the city, Simon Ducat. The program, as announced in the Gizeh 
Papyrus, was carried out, save that the Sphynx, with its usual 
sullenness, failed to speak as had been advertised. Cheops, 
though, was on hand, and laid the cornerstone and then brush- 
ing back his front hair and striking an attitude, he sawed the 
air in the delivery of his speech. He spoke of the "auspicious 
occasion," and how, in future times. Napoleon might say that 
"twenty centuries are looking down upon you" in speaking of 
the great pyramid. He hurled Defiance or Bryan or Ft. Wayne, 
or something like that into the teeth of his enemies and said : 
"I will build this pyramid with union labor, despite the insinua- 
tions and charges of unscruplous politicans who want to get the 
labor vote. I know we have a big job on our hands, but we 
will make it even if we have to raise the tarifif on dates fifty 
per cent. Despite the clamoring of those out of office, we have 
no North, no South, no East, no West, but one common destiny." 



The Sakahara Gazette did not take such a cheerful view of 
matters for, in its next issue, the editor said, capitalizing the im- 
portant words as he wrote : 

"The blow-out at gizeh was a Great Frost. Mutton Chops 
was on hand and made a Demagogue's Plea for Peace and Unity, 
when there is no Peace. This old Lx)bster had better Give Back 
the Property He Stole from his Blind Grandmother, and 
Square Up with the People for Accepting the Bribe of Two 



A reporter's scrap-book. 49 

Thousand Sheep, before starting out to build Pyramids. It is 
Proper that They Should Have a Graveyard at gizeh for the 
Whole Town is Dead. For our Part, We would say that We 
have just struck an Artesian Well in Sakahara that is worth a 
Dozen Pyramids. While not at Liberty to give Details, we 
would further Say that Eastern Capitalists are Here Planning to 
Establish a Sandal Factory, gizeh can have its Graveyard. We 
have a Business Town. Sakahara is not only Getting Thei'e 
with Both Feet, but We Will Have Sandals to Wear on 'em 
Besides." 



THE UNFINISHED STORY. 

The editor of the Gizeh Papyrus was wreathed in smiles as 
' he entered the office. He was chuckling to himself, and it was 
'*• plain that he wanted some one in whom to confide an idea. 

At these times the office foreman was taken into the editor's 
confidence, and his approval gently solicited. 

"See, here. Bill," he said to the foreman. "I've come to the 
roncl'isinn that writing books is what pays. A fellow might 
keep plugging away here for years trying to mould public opin- 
ion, and then get nothing ahead. We get a few subscriptions 
spot cash, while we have to wait on others for years, and then, 
perhaps, take our pay in seed potatoes or rice that is full of rag 
weeds. \Miere the money is made is in books. Books ! That's 
the idea. Why, here is a fellow of mediocre talent that cleaned 
up six thousand skehels by a little book on 'How to Kill Cut- 
worms.' I've decided to go into the business myself. 

"I thought I would go at it easy, though. Print a short 
story or two in the Papyrus, to give people a taste of 'em, and 
then spring my books, and they'll sell faster than corn liniment 
at the county fair. Here is a story that I've just been writing: 



CHAPTER I. 

Huge gobs of sunlight had begun to shoot in every direction 
in the eastern sky until they put out the light of the Big Bear. 
The sun rose slowly upward, like the price of machintoshes in 
sloppy weather until the rays (raise) were perceptible to the 
naked eye. 

Bill' Tenderfoot, the plucky Memphis newsboy, grabbed his 
bowie knife firmly by the handle, jumped six feet skyward, 
cracked his heels together three times, and looked as fierce as 
a bill collector. 



50 



A reporter's scrap-book. 



"It's got to be done," he muttered between his teeth. 
It was indeed a trying moment. 




THE. EDITOC RE-AD5 MIS STOffV 



Just why the moment was trying, and what it was trying to 
do will be revealed before this story ends, as well as why the ex- 
cited frame of mind of our cowboy hero. 



A REPORTER S SCRAP-BOOK. 51 

CHAPTER II. 

As we said in Chapter I., it was a trying momeni. 

Bill Tenderfoot wasn't as green as he looked, even if he 
had only been a cattle puncher for two weeks. 

He said, with clenched fist, that it had to be done, and Bill 
meant what he said, even if he had to wade through "bind" to his 
armpits and fight twice his weight in wildcats. 

CHAPTER III. 

Some people by this time may wonder what Bill was trying 
to do. The fact of the matter was. Bill was in a tight fix. He 
had threatened to clean out all the plug-uglies in Ranch 10, 
seventeen miles east of Gizeh, and had bit off more than he could 
chew. He knew that .he might mow down his enemies worse 
than Cyrano de Bergerac, yet the., plug-uglies, every one of 
whom had killed his man, would eat him up through sheer force 
of numbers. It was a moral certainity that he could not escape 
alive. 

"Pretty hot stufif," said the foreman, after reading thus far. 

"I know that," said the editor, "but I'm in the hole, and I 
want you to help me out if you can, Bill. You see, I've got my 
hero in such a tig'ht place that there is no possible way of his 
getting out alive. I've got fellows away from mountain grizzlies 
in Abysinia.have had my heroes clean out whole native tribes 
on the upper Nile, and have got fellows out of powder explo- 
sions ; but here my hero seems to be up against it. He's dead 
sure to be killed, and if he is, my hero is gone, and it leaves his 
mother and five children in a bad way. That won't end right. 
That fellow has got to marry the yellow-haired girl that saved 
him from a buzz saw in the planing mill, and I don't see just 
how to make him do it." 

"Better mark 'to be continued,' and trust to luck for some 
way out by the time for the next edition," suggested the fore- 
man. "Or else you might make it a puzzle story, and have sub- 
scribers guess on how it would end, and trust to get a good 
ending from them." 

"Naw ; neither of those plans suits me. I'm going to be 
honest with my readers." 

So he wrote : 

"The reader will have to plan some way to save the cowboy 
hero, as we confess we see no way for himi to get out alive. We 
can't afford to have him spoil a good story by getting killed, and 
we'll be hanged if we'll let one of our heroes show a streak of 
yellow 'by backing down after he's said anything." 



52 A reportkr's scrap-book. 

AN EGYPTIAN ROMANCE. 

"What we want is stories with morals," said the editor of 
the Papyrus, of Gizeh, Egypt, to the foreman, as he paused a 
few moments in the midst of his writing to confer with the fore- 
man. "Morals interwoven in a story will mould the mind bet- 
ter than musty precepts. That's the best way to give it to the 
■dear public. The people must have 'em, for the best isn't too 
good for the patrons of the Papyrus." 

"What have you got now?" inquired the foreman as he 
glanced at the sheets of hieroglyphics that the editor had ground 
out. 

"Fm just finishing a story," said the editor. "How do you 
like it, anyhow? You will notice I take the reader into my con- 
fidenc from the start, and you can bet he is going to get his 
money's worth without any bunco -work on my part. The story's 
founded on fact, too." 

CHAPTER I. 

If the reader will turn to our last story printed in the Pa- 
pyrus, he will find a description of a sunset that w.ll do for an 
introduction to this. The same sun is rising and setting now as 
it was when our other story was printed, so we omit reference 
to the sun except when we shall need it during the course of our 
story. We now get at the facts. 

Sam Benhadad was the son of a camel driver at Memphis. 
Being located at the capital of the empire, he naturally felt his 
importance when he visited other cities of the kingdom, and was 
wont to make a great flash in society in smaller towns. 

His head was badly swollen when he floated into Gizeh three 
years ago the fourteenth of last August, at 2 p. m. From the 
moment he struck the town he put on a horrible front. He 
wore sandals that were adorned with pink and yellow ribbon, 
his raiment was as gaudy as a flaming circus poster, he wore a 
cuff for a collar, and a necktie so painfully red that it gave people 
the headache. He wore his hair parted in the middle, and if one 
hair happened to get on the wrong side, he always took cold. 
His face had character stamped upon it about like a roll of un- 
mixed putty, and altogether he was just too nice for anything. 

CHAPTER H. 

Sam Benhadad "caught on" in Gizeh society in great shape. 
He told wonderful stories of his importance in Memphis, until 
it was wondered how the town could manage to exist in his 



A REPORTER S SCRAP-BOOK. 53 

absence. It was hinted that he had money to burn, and he be- 
came the beau of the town. He was invited to parties, lawn 
fetes and Sunday school socials, and g^irls came in flocks. 

It was at one of these parties that Sam met a society belle 
who was introduced to him as a young woman of wealth, and 
he determined to make a bold stroke in a.n effort to prevent 
living on rice soup for the next two years to pay back the 
money he had borrowed for his flash. 

"This is a warm evening," he remarked to Beatrice Pileser, 
the young woman in question, by way of introduction, as he sat 
down at her side. 

It was a master stroke on the part of Sam in introducing 
the novel subject of the weather as the topic of conversation. 

"It is somewhat warm," she replied sweetly. "I sweat so — 
I mean I perspire so freely, anyhow. This society event is quite 
swell, don't you think?" 

"Well, yes, it is quite nice for a town the size of Gizeh, but 
it would not be regarded even as worth passing mention in 
Memphis. Of course, here it is different." 

This assertion of superiority on the part of Samuel piqued 
Beatrice, and she determined to get even. "I've got to string 
him good and hard if I land him," she thought. 

"Of course, I was speaking from a provincial standpoint," 
she said. 

"This affair is merely an across-the-fence neigborly chat 
compared with social functions at Babylon. My mother and I 
were invited by the queen to assist her in receiving at one of 
her big functions there last year when we were on our way to 
spend the summer in China. The function throughout was one 
of dazzling splendor. We — " 

Samuel was staggered by the matter-of-fact way she was 
rattling off references to the big guns in the various kingdoms. 

"Here's a prize worth working for, he thought to himself. 
"She must have all kinds of coin and stand next to royalty." 

It is unnecessary to further recount the conversation of that 
evening. He was in ecstasy when she consented to allow him 
to call, and she was delighted that he asked for the opportunity. 

It was the old story of a purely business engagement, and 
then a financial marriage. Both parties to the contract were 
worried half sick lest the denouement should come before the 
legal marriage had been performed, and both used all the money 
that thev could make, beg or borrow to keep up the flash. 



54 A reporter's scrap-book. 

CHAPTER III. 

The wedding day came. 

Sam Iknhadad and Beatrice Pileser had planned long for 
this eventful day. Mayor Ducat was to perform the ceremony 
in the parlors of the Gizeh inn, and all the town was agog over 
the event. Hacks and flowers galore, fine gowns, the choicest 
apparel for the groom and his attendants, and, in short, nothing 
was to be left undone to give the swellest show ever seen in this 
neck of the woods. 

But why dwell on weary detail ! After the ceremony, when 
opportunity offered, the mayor reminded Samuel that h^ must 
put up for the license and marriage fee. He was at his wits' 
€nd, for he had spent his last shekel to keep up appearances 
until he would have time to begin to draw money from his wife. 
He ventured to mention his need at the first opportunity, and, 
when left apart in the parlors for a time, he suggested : 

"Well. Beatrice, you had better leave me take care of your 
pocketbook now. I can carry it better than you." 

Without a word she pushed over to him the purse. Grasp- 
ing it in excitement, he opened it to feast his eyes on the bills 
and coined shekels. 

It was empty ! 

■"Some one has robbed us!" he exclaimed. 

He was surprised, though, to note how complacently his 
wife took matters. Then the awful thought flashed across his 
mind. "It may be that she has no money either!" 

But no, he would not think that. Leading his wife to a 
settee at one corner of the large parlor, the two conversed in 
excited tones for some time. Sam was thunderstruck when he 
found his wife had no "dot," and she was dumfounded to think 
that a man making such a flash was not the owner of immense 
'diamond mines. 

"Well, let's make the best of it !" said Sam at last to his 
newly married bride. "I have a meal ticket at a restaurant that 
:is good for both of us for two days, and then we can walk back 
■to Memphis. My father will get me a job driving camels, and 
we'll be happy anyhow." 



"That's what I call a good ending for a story," said the 
editor, as they finished perusing the manuscript. "Some au- 
thors would have made the fellow and his girl get angry and rush 
off for a divorce. That would not have ended right." 

"But where is the moral of the story?" inquired the foreman. 



A reporter's scrap-book. 55 

"Oh, hang the moral ! I forgot all about that." 

"The story has got to have a moral, though," said the editor, 
"I'll tell you what, I'll make two or three." 

He then sat down and appended this to his story : 

"Morals :— 

"Never let the lack of a million shekels or so stand in the 
way of making the best of things. 

"Consult Bradstreet before banking on appearances. 

"Never wear a red necktie or part your hair in the m'iddle." 



SOCIETY LIFE AT GIZEH. 

Society at Gizeh, Egypt, forty centuries ago was peculiar. 

Strange as it may seem in these days of enlightenment, there 
was constant turmoil and trouble over social matters. 

There the people in modest circumstances did not enter- 
tain modestly and in keeping with their pocketbook, but vied with 
those better situated. These in turn emulated those moderately 
wealthy, while the moderately rich vied with the very rich in 
entertaining lavishly. 

Few possessed that moral courage, that force of character, 
that gives guests the best one can afford and is content at that. 
There were some, though, who set a higher regard on charac- 
ter than coin, and who esteemed education and refinement of 
more worth than a gaudy display and so-called social triumphs. 
Those who tried to do a little good for others, who live modestly 
within their means and tried to save a little for the future, were 
voted lobsters and without high social spirit, but they seemed to 
get along very well. 



Even the gambler who was denied admittance to humbler 
social circles was often the envy of those in the swagger society 
life because of his finery and mighty fiash before the public, 
for those peculiar people did not always closely scutinize private 
honor and private morals. 

On the other hand, a man who performed manual labor was 
denied admittance to the "select set," while eligible to position 
among those who lived modestly and quietly. But this was 
all a pagan idea of labor and of society. 

It was long before Moses had put in writing the divine in- 
junction to earn your bread 'by the sweat of the brow, centuries 
before the lowly Nazarene gave dignity to honest toil by serving 
at a carpenter's bench and ages before the time of democratic 
America, where, theoretically, at least, character and brains are 
supposed to open the doors to any society. 



56 A reporter's scrap-book. 

We are indebted to the social editor of the Gizeh Papyrus 
for the following insight into society life in Egypt those days. 

"I wish the press of today would abolish the social col- 
umns." wrote the editor frankly. ''The publication of social 
functions causes a rivalry among the people that is far from con- 
ducive to happiness. Women without means to afiford it, try to 
keep pace with those more comfortably situated, and, as a re- 
sult, keep their finances wrecked and the whole family mis- 
erable." 

In speaking of this fact, the society editor tells of a visit to 
various women of Gizeh in the rounds of collecting news. Ad- 
dressing a lady who always appeared well in society, the social 
editor said : 

"You and your daughters all appear well at social functions. 
You entertain well and you certainly should be proud of your 
family and supremely happy." 

"I see that you are not familiar with how this pace is kept 
up," said Mrs. Benhadad in reply. "While we always endeavor 
to look pleasant and appear well in society, it is a constant strug- 
gle to keep up even the pace we are going. Even then, we can 
not entertain like Mrs . Pileser. If we only could afford to live 
like the Pileser familv, we would be content." 



"I next visited Mrs. Pileser," wrote the society editor. 

"She received me in sadness, for it was the day after a big 
social function at her home, and bills for fiowers, fruit and ices 
were coming in. She was an old friend of mine and took me 
into her confidence. 

" 'How do you manage to keep up in entertaining so nicely 
all to the envy of your friends,' I asked. 

" 'Will only gets twenty shekels a week at bookkeeping, and 
with our family it requires ,some financiering,' she replied. 
'The party last night cost us 75 shekels, more than we could 
save in three months. We will live on rice soup for the next 
three months at home to make up for this. Even then I do not 
know what we would have done had I not taken in roomers. I 
know that they are an annoyance and destructive of family 
privacy, but something had to be done, so I fixed up one of the 
rooms upstairs and rented that. 

" 'You seem to think our function last night a successs, and 
will give us a good notice in the paper, but do you know, we 
scarcely had enough money to meet our cash bills. Will wanted 
us to do without carnations and roses for the tables, but I told 
him that Mrs. Ducat would not think of entertaining without 



A reporter's scrap-book. 57 

flowers at her swell parties. I managed to beat down the wash- 
woman one-third on our bill and by postponing paying the hired 
girl two weeks had enough money for the flowers.' 

" 'So you are not altogether happy over your achievements?' 
I inquired. 

" 'Not a bit of it,' she replied. 'If I could only entertain 
like Mrs. Ducat I'd be happy.' " 



"I next wended my way to the palatial home of Mrs. Ducat 
in search of complete social happiness. She is the acknowledged 
leader of Gizeh society. When I referred to her social tri- 
umphs, she said: 'Yes, I have been fortunate in a social way 
here. I set all the styles in dress and establish the rules of 
etiquette. I am the recipient of samples of hats and shoes from 
every dealer in the city who wants to close out any queer or un- 
salable article, and it is promptly the fad while I discard it for 
others. If I could only be a humble member of the -iOO of a 
metropolis like Alemphis, my happiness would be complete. Even 
here my sway is not undisputed, for let me neglect to give 
proper attention to social functions, and Mrs. Straight Flush is 
likely to outshine me.' " 

Which information led the highly intelligent social editor to 
moralize a little and intimate that whatever social position a 
society lady occupies, there is always something just beyond, 
that disturbs her peace of mind, attracts her eye and makes a 
wreck of the family finances. The society editor further told 
of the conversation at society functions, of the back-biting of 
pretended friends, of the shallowness and lack of thought in 
social chat and the emptiness of so-called social distinction. She 
urged that this butterfly existence was not a satisfactory end in 
life, and that happiness could only be found in self-sacrifice and 
in noble deeds of love and consideration for others. 

But this all happened in Gizeh, Egypt, forty centuries ago, 
and society in Gizeh was peculiar. 



(Strelf |l iff urns. 

Volume XXIV., No. 35. 

Gizeh. Egypt, August U, 1500 After Adam. 



Published in the interest of Gizeh, the Publican party and 
our own flour barrel. 



58 A reporter's scrap-book. 

Our Motto: 

When people show that they're nix bonum, 
We mince no words, but soc et tuum. 



Terms, 1.50 shekels per year. Fifty per cent, off for cash. 
Good cord wood taken on subscription, but this doesn't mean 
refuse gnarly oak or knotty elm bolts. 



Our Circulation — Modesty forbids us to tell everything 
about our circulation. Our press rooms are open to inspection, 
but we reserve the right to withhold freight bills showing the 
quantity of papyrus used in getting out an edition. We can 
fix the counter in the press room, but our freight bills scarcely 
do our enterprising establishment justice. 

One year ago we announced a circulations of 140 bona fide 
subscribers. This vear we are able to announce a circulation of 
168, a GAIN OF TWENTY PER CENT ! ! ! 

The annual carriage ride to our subscribers will be given 
next Thursday. The carriage leaves the Papyrus office at 4 p. m. 

WANTS TO RUN THE EARTH. 



We have just received a communication from Methusaleh 
Nebat on "Present Day Ethics," in which he presumes to lay 
down the right rule of life for the people of Egypt. 

If this was only the first or second offense of this kind we 
might excuse "Methuse" a little, but there has not come up a 
single question of any kind in the past ten years in city or state 
but he presumes to settle, and he thinks no question can be 
settled right until he dips in his oar. He makes his assertions 
with entire self-satisfaction, and calls those who differ from him 
fools or knaves. 

"Methuse" isn't a bad writer either, but before he presumes 
to set down the laws of life for others we want him to point out 
one unselfish act he ever did in his whole life, one hungry man 
he ever gave a meal, one discouraged man he ever gave a kind 
word. If he ever really thought of aiding any one in any way 
we will be glad to note it, and if he can give one single service 
he ever rendered humanity we will print his statement under a 
scare head in the Papyrus next week. 



A CORRECTION. 



Through an oversight of the proofreader a marriage notice 



A reporter's scrap-book. 59 

got mixed up with an accident last week, and the result was 
not altogether satisfactory. Sam Nemo had dislocated his leg, 
and the confusion of the divinity doctor with the doctor of 
medicine did the rest. The article appeared : "After the bride, 
Michael Moriarity stepped up to the altar, where Dr. R. M. 
Benhadad performed the operation with neatness and dispatch, 
pulling his leg good and hard," etc. 

No offense was intended to Moriarity or Dr. Benhadad by 
inference as to the size of the marriage fee. It was a mistake 
pure and simple. Indeed, while we are sorry these people should 
suffer anything from this mistake, we feel relieved ourselves, as 
we always try to make one mistake a year to show we are human, 
and it has been over 12 months since we made a blunder. 



ALLIGATOR RUN ITEMS. 



Mike Abdullah has bought a new plow. 



"Billy" Senoj was seen going up the lane to 'Squire Mull- 
vaney's home Sunday evening. The 'squire's daughter is home 
now. Guess we know vour trick, Billy. 



Sam Tiglath smiles today. It is a boy. 



Dave Sirocco thinks this is the best time to sow turnips. 
He says the sign of the moon is just right now. 



A. J. Simoon says two men were killed one-half mile south 
of this place on Tuesday. We will perhaps learn their names 
and how thev were killed bv next week. 



The husk on t'ne corn is thicker than usual this year, in- 
dicating a hard winter. 



ATTENDED A CHURCH SOCIAL. 



We deviate from our usual course this week in giving all 
the suggestions given us for writing an item of news. A big 
church social was held in the Fifth Street Synagogue Tuesday 
night and we were invited to attend. We did so, and we give 
the result. 

At the door we were met by one of the reception committee, 
who, not recognizing the fact that we were an editor, showed 
us into a back seat. 



60 A reporter's scrap-book. 

Another of the committee, though, spied us, and we were 
properly received. 

"You might say that I have charge of the reception com- 
mittee," he said, handing out one of his cards. 

"The flowers were donated by McGinty, the florist. Don't 
fail to mention that, for I promised him a notice," said another. 

"Don't forget the organ was furnished by Ramesis and 
Pileser," said another. 

"You might refer to the way the soprano, Mrs. Falsetto, 
trills. It will be a good ad. for her. 

"The bass soloist expects to go to Babylon soon if he gets 
favorable mention here." 

"Napkins for the spread were furnished by Hanks and 
Maudess, the Chinese tea merchants." 

These requests were singing in our ears when Mike Abel- 
man-deb appeared and greeting us effusively, asked if we could 
not mention his presence and the popularity of his candidacy 
for assessor. 

Two hundred and fifteen out of 216 ladies present offered 
us a description of the gown they wore, while the 216th did not 
because she "had to make over her last summer's pink dimity." 

The head-mogul of the refreshment committee gave us to 
understand that the whole social would have been a frost had it 
not been for him and wondered if it would be all right to 
mention that he kept copy books and writing material cheaper 
than any one in Gizeh. 

After we had had requests to boom everybody present from 
the official board down to the librarian of the Desideratum Sew- 
ing Circle, we were leaving when a man rushed up to us with the 
information that the Japanese lanterns outside came from the 
same place as the napkins. 



EDITOR'S EXPERIENCE WITH BURGLARS. 



Last Monday night, as we lay dreaming peacefully of the 
time when all subscribers would pay cash in advance and not 
want an eighty-acre farm thrown in with the paper, we were 
awakened by a masked man at our bedside. 

"Your money or your life!" whispered a hoarse voice in 
our ear: "Come now. old man, loosen up and give us. your 
coin !" 

"Well said," we replied. "We never heard it spoken much 
better than that on the stage. But, you shouldn't let your voice 



A reporter's scrap-book. 61 

fall after 'money' and you want to drawl out the 'or' a little 
more." 

"What's that?" yelled the intruder. 

"T was just going to say that if we had a little slow music, 
your statement a'bout the coin would seem about as realistic as 
the robber on the stage. Perhaps you are just a beginner, 
though?" 

"What's that you're giving us? We want your money, and 
want it blamed quick! Shell out now!" 

"Say. are you a bill collector or only an ordinary robber?" 
we asked. 

"I like your nerve ! Why, you old miser, you think you 
can fool us don't you? You give up your coin and we don't 
furnish a receipted bill either." 

As he spoke he drew back a slung-shot and threatened to 
drive a pebble through our cranium. 

Our wife whispered in our ear that delays are dangerous 
and the way the fellow handled that slung-shot there was no 
telling what moment would be our next. 

"Oh !" we replied. "So you're not a bill collector. All 
right. I'm glad of it. T can breathe easier now. How-, are 
you, anvhow ? Have chairs and sit down ! I'll light the lamp 
in a minute." 

"Who in thunder, are you, anyhow ? Is this a lunatic asyl- 
um?" chirped the fellow. 

"Why, I'm the editor of the Papyrus. WHiom did you 
think I am ?" 

The next moment I heard a man talking low to his partner. 
"It's no use," he said. "We're gold bricked. Here I thought 
in this old house we'd find an old miser with coin in his cofifec 
pots." under his carpets and in his socks, and here we've got 
nothing but a darned editor." 

"I duck," said his partner, as he prepared to slip out the 
window. 

"Here, don't hurry off ! Come in and sit down a while," 
we said, striking a light and pushing out more chairs. 

"If this don't beat the blankety blank luck. He must be 
crazy." 

"Don't get excited," we murmured. "I'm really glad to 
meet some fellows who are manly enough to admit that they 
are regular robbers. I have a kind of an admiration for you. 
I've been beaten so often by fellows who borrowed money under 
guise of friendship and failed to pay it back that I rather fancy 
professional highwaymen. I haven't much, but I'll be hanged 



62 A reportkr's scrap-book, 

if I don't share with you. Now here is my coat you can have. 
Sorry I haven't any money," we continued. 

"Got better one than that at home," said both fellows in a 
ohorus. "Don't want your old clothes." 

"Say. you couldn't lend me two shekels till next Wednes- 
day? I've got an ad. coming in then and 171 send the money 
to any address you may name." 

"Bill, darned if I don't pity the fellow," said burglar No. 1. 
"I've only got two shekels with me, but I'll share with you. 
Here is one !" 

"Thank you gentlemen," we replied. "We'll either pay you 
cash, or what is much better, give you a half year's subscription 
to the Papyrus. Any news down your way?" 

"Naw ! Business is goshdarned slow now. Thought I'd 
get some coin tonight but here we've wasted the night on you." 

"Anything we can do for you ?" we inquired gratefully. 

"You might write a heavy editorial condemning 'bulldogs 
and in favor of burglar alarms. Can countermine a burglar 
alarm, and if it does work we hear it in time to get away, but 
those pesky dogs — people simply ought not to be allowed to keep 
'em." As he spoke the fellow reached down to the calf of his 
leg, and we could see him wince with. pain. 

"Call again," we remarked as the fellows slunk away into 
the shadows. A whole shekel and an idea for an editorial I 
That isn't bad for a half hour's time after business hours. 



A LITTLE POLITICS AT GIZEH. 

Politics in Gizeh was sizzling lot. 

Strange as it may seem, politics in those days was conducted 
much the same as at present. There was the same flaming ora- 
tory, the same political trickery, the same impassioned appeals 
to voters to stick to the ticket. 

There were two great parties and the orators of each 
yelled themselves red in the face showing that the election of 
Rube Benhadad for assessor was imperative in order to save 
the nation from going to rack and ruin, and prevent chinch 
■bugs and drought from coming to the farmers. On the other 
hand, Rube's opponents were just as enthusiastic in denouncing 
him, and predicting that liberty would be throttled and- the whole 
kingdom go to perdition unless Bill Higgins was elected. 

The editor of the Gizeh Papyrus was kept busy. He had 
been into the campaign up to his elbows all the time, and he was 
just getting out his last issue before election. He was deter- 



A reporter's scrap-book. 63 

mined it should be "a screamer." The reader can judge for 
himself from the editorials of that week. The following- is 
clipped from the editorial page : 

LAST WORDS TO VOTERS. 

Next Monday is election day, and in view of that fact we 
want to say a final word to voters-: 

The 'battle has been fought, and all that remains to secure an 
overwhelming victory is to get out the vote. 

From the start the opposition has put up a fight of trickery, 
duplicity and dishonor. Knowing that they can not meet us in 
fair argument, they have stooped to every device known to the 
politician and trickster to gain their ends. Misrepresentation, 
intimidation, fraud and appeals to prejudice have all been used, 
but we put our trust in the intelligent business man. working 
man and farmer and feel confident that such means only work 
against the conspirators. 

Freemen, now is your chance to crush out fraud and cor- 
ruption ! Roll up such a majority for the ticket that the opposi- 
tion bosses will hide their heads in shame ! 



GIVE HIM A BOOST! 

Jim Jehoiaken is a candidate for dog catcher, and we want 
to say a few words in his favor to show what kind of stuff we 
have on the ticket this year. 

Jim was born in Sirocco township, and when a boy was the 
smartest scholar in the Smoky Run district. At 8 he could spell 
back in the spelling book as far as "danger" and could figger 
some. x\t 10, he spelled down the whole school, got the most 
headmarks of any, knew the multiplication table as far as the 
sixes, and could say the I's, 2's and 5's backwards. At 17 he 
graduated from the Smoky Run high school, and delivered a 
commencement address on "The Destiny of the Nation." In 
this effort he settled the tarifif question, figured out the inspired 
ratio, and solved the expansion problem with one hand behind 
his back. 

Soon afterward he moved to Gizeh, and has been loking for 
office ever since. He is willing to promise anything before elec- 
tion. He has served two months as sewer inspector, filling out 
an unexpired term, and now aspires to the position of dog catch- 
er. It might be stated that he got his early education by the light 
of a pine knot, mauled rails, clerked on a canal boat and did odd 
jobs about a glue factory. He is a man of the people, and ought 



64 A reporter's scrap-book. 

not to be socially ostracised even if he does eat pie with a knife. 
He has never yet stolen anything that was properly nailed down. 

MINCE PIE OR THE CYCLONE CELLAR— WHICH? 

We wish to call attention of the voters to the momentous 
questions at stake this year. If the party is successful, it means 
mince pie for us until next election, but if we are dumped — 
well, we are dumped, and we may have to hunt a cyclone cellar 
to get away from the men we have talked about during the cam- 
paign. 

Do you want drought and famine? If not, vote the ticket 
straight. Do you want a plague of seventeen year locusts and 
seven year itch ? Do you want your wells to go dry and the Nile 
refuse to overflow its banks ? If not, vote for Jehoiaken for dog 
catcher. 

Do you want to throttle liberty, block the wheels of pro- 
gress, cut out education and enlightenment and make the Fourth 
of July a howling farce? If not, vote for Benhadad for as- 
sessor. 

Do the farmers want chinch bugs without a raise in the 
price of corn, do business men want failures without a chance 
at getting fire insurance, or lawyers want rich clients to pass in 
their checks without having the relatives use them to fight over 
the property ; if not, stick to our candidate for building inspector. 



SHAME! SHAME! 

We have just learned of a diabolical plot on the part of 
Muleocratic party leaders to spring a circular Monday morning, 
too late to be answered before election. The Publican committee 
has a detective on the trail of the guilty parties and has secured 
one of the circulars. The vicious plan is connived to defeat 
Mike Abel-man-deb for assessor in the Fourth ward. The cir- 
cular says : 

"We have just learned from an authoritative source that 
Mike Abel-man-deb, Publican candidate for assessor in the 
Fourth, is about to marry his own step-mother. Since the de- 
cease of his father, Mike's actions have been suspicious and we 
have just learned that Mike has stood off Bill Dugan, the tailor, 
for a new suit of clothes for the wedding on the strength of his 
candidacy. 

"Are such actions to be tolerated in such a moral com- 
munity as Gizeh? We think the voters will settle Mike's hash. 

"COMMITTEE." 



A reporter's scrap-book. 65 

In answer to the above vicious thrust, we are compelled to 
divulge a secret hitherto held sacred, but must now give it in the 
interest of justice. Mike really contemplates matrimonv, but 
had not expected to get married until fall. The happy bride 
will be Miss Mariar Pileser, and, in order to defeat the ends of 
these scheming scoundrels, Mike has taken out a license and will 
be married this afternoon by Mayor Ducat. Fellow-townsmen, 
rebuke this diabolical plot of the opposition bv rolling up a ma- 
jority of fifty or sixty for Mike ! 



vSmash the trusts ! 

Get out the vote earlv ! 



Look out for roorbacks. The opposition gang is desperate. 



Now is the time to down the bosses. Vote the straight tick- 
et and you will assist to take the tacks out of the heel of op- 
pression. 



Vote to re-elect Mose Pileser for county treasurer. He is 
the only man in twenty-five years who has not run ofif to Babylon 
with the countv funds. 



If you want to stamp out imperialism, preserve the tariff 
laws, put down fiat money and maintain the blessings of liberty 
to yourselves and your posterity, vote for Mike Abel-mandeb 
for assessor in the Fourth Ward. 



The Muleocratic party is desperate this year. Two years 
ago, despite fraud and intimidation and appeals to the prejudice 
of the vicious and ignorant, the party was ignominiously routed. 
This vear every device and trick known will be used to thwart 
the popular will. Do your part to see fair play is accorded all 
our people and victory is ours. 



66 A reporter's scrap-book. 

SPELLBINDERS AT GIZEH. 

"Turn out tonight to the monster demonstration and rally. 
Hear the issues of the campaign discussed by spellbinders who 
can spell and orators who understand their biz. See the monster 
parade, to be followed bv addresses from the band-stand at the 
Zoo." 

Notice similar to the above had been printed in the Papyrus 
and dodgers bearing the above appeal had been scattered thor- 
oughly about the city of Gizeh. The streets were littered with 
the bills which were blown hither and thither by gusts of wind, 
frightening horses and camels, while the piles of dodgers left in- 
side the stores and shops furnished shaving paper or rather pa- 
pyrus, for months. 

It was the last night of the campaign. A big torchlight 
procession and rally had been planned by the Publican central 
committe as a fatting finale to weeks of energ}^ and expenditure 
of money. The central committe felt that it had the opposition 
beaten by thirty blocks and proposed to marshal the hosts on 
the closing night of the campaign to show there was no ques- 
tion about how the doubtful precincts would go this year. 



Evening came and with it crowds form all over the county. 
People of Gizeh turned out in numbers, and strange as it may 
seem the houses where strong waters were sold seemed to be 
reaping a harvest. 

The parade was not all the committee had hoped for, al- 
though the speakers of the evening referred to "The mighty out- 
pouring of the people,'" and the "monster demonstration.,. The 
procession was not as strange as one might imagine. 

There was the grand marshal decked out in a red, yellow 
and pink sash who was known as "general." He had never been 
in battle, and would have run like a scared dog at the semblance 
of trouble, but he had earned his title through services to his 
party at previous barbecues and rallies. 

The procession was "one hour in passing a given point," 
but as the procession skillfully countermarched four times past 
the same place this was easily explained. There were bands of 
music, followed by marching men, carrying torches of pine knots 
and tallow dip. The transparencies showed some skill and abil- 
ity in preparations. Among the inscriptions were: "Stick to 
the ticket," "Divide up the offices," "Smash the gangsters." 
"No soup houses for us," "Give us pie three times a day," "We 
work eight hours — eight hours in the forenoon and eight hours 



A reporter's scrap-book. 67 

in the afternoon," "Vote as you shot," "Hang the Knights of the 
Inner Circle/' "Vote for Hi Roller, the workingman's friend." 



The captains could hardly keep the men in line until the 
end of the march, but finally came the order to break ranks, and 
the crowds filed into the saloons and eating houses, some getting 
fuller than boiled owls, and others cententing themselves with 
munching crackers, cheese, ancient sandwiches and leather- 
crusted pie that was warranted to give dyspepsia on one appli- 
cation. Other young bloods in uniforms had caught the eyes 
of the fair sex and were promenading about the streets. 

Meanwhile the central committee was making a frenzied ef~ 
fort to hold together a crowd at the Zoo long enough to throw 
a few clincher arguments into them. 

The committee and candidates were on exhibition on the 
grand stand with the speakers, and the chairman of the evenings 
Mayor Ducat, was -addressing the crowd. 

"Fellow-citizens and countrymen." he said. "Great issues 
are at stake in this campaign. Momentous, far-reaching ques- 
tions are to be decided. Do we want liberty and happiness?'" 

Sixteen men in the front row who had been coached before 
the meeting at once responded in chorus. "I guess, yes !" 

"Then stick to the Publican ticket. Our candidates are 
all men of ability. They will serve you well, so vote 'er straight 
this year. 

"It gives me great pleasure to introduce to you Hon Hi. 
Roller, candidate for senator, who will now address you on the 
issues of the day." 

Hon. Hi Roller stepped to the front, stood unmoved for 
two minutes to impress his hearers with his dignity, and then 
addressed them in a tone than came from his very shoe-solep. 
As he advanced in his talk, he became excited and ran his 
fingers through his hair until dandrufif fell in showers upon the 
platform and he looked like an Apache Indian on the war path. 



"We have the greatest country on earth," he said, "all others 
are feeble imitations. We can lick any two nations with one 
hand tied behind our back. We can whip Babylon, and eat 
up Assvria, and then not have a square meal. 

"Another thing. Do vou people want to get the latest 
style of seed corn? '(Cries of "Hear ! Hear !") "Do you want 
the best variety of turnips? Do you want weather maps and 
free bird seed? Do vou want copies of the geological surveys 
to prop up your couches, and make scrap books? If so, vote 



68 A reporter's scrap-book. 

for me and you'll get 'em if I have to tear sixteen cog-wheels 
out of the machinery of the government. (Tremendous applause 
and cries of "That's the stuff.") 

"I am informed that my opponent on this stand a few nights 
ago remarked that I was half-baked and not a fit person to rep- 
resent my constituents in the halls of legislation." (Terrific ap- 
plause by men not properly coached, followed by hisses, cat calls 
and groans.) 

"I dislike to call any names in this campaign, but I just 
want to say that the old drunken reprobate better get his name 
taken off the records of the idiotic institute at No. 145 Hip- 
popotamus avenue, Memphis, before making any breaks like that 
at me. Anyhow, meeting him at his own arguments, it might 
be stated that a half-insane man is bet*:er than an idiot. In- 
sanity implies that a man had brains once, and lost his mental 
equilibrium, but an idiot never had any brains. 

"Furthermore, I might state that he knows no more about 
the tariff question, the inspired ratio and imperialism than that 
old chimpanzee over there in the third cage from this stand. 
I might state that the Zoo managers made a big mistake when 
he was here last week, in not putting him in a cage and holding 
him here. With his frothings and fumings, he is no more fit 
to run loose about the country than a hyena with hydrophobia." 
(Great applause.) 

At this juncture the speaker was interrupted by the fierce 
roaring in the cage of lions as thev bent the bars in a terrible 
effort to get at the orator. The sea lions roared, the hyenas 
howled and the crocodile lashed the water in the aquarium in its 
awful fury ; but they were all helpless to get out of range of the 
speaker's voice. 

He went on quoting from the opposition press, showing that 
the Muleocratic party was determined to ruin the country, and 
run the price of hay down to two shekels a ton. He appealed 
to pugilists by telling of the stealthy attempt to raise the price 
of arnica and court plaster. He asked workingmen to stand by 
him, and exhibited a union label on his clothes as a token of his 
regard for their interests. 

In his stirring peroration, he referred feelingly to the farm- 
•ers, and his efforts in getting the latest seeds, spoke of his calm 
appeal to reason and the diabolical efforts of the oipposition to 
ruin him by mud-slinging, and closed with mouth filling exple- 
tives, scoring the opposition party and candidates, not forgetting 
to throw a few bouquets at himself. 



A REPORTER S SCRAP-BOOK, 



69 



EDITOR HITS FROM THE SHOULDER. 

It was plain to be seen that the editor of the Gizeh Papyrus 
was angry. The Papyrus, it is remembered, was printed in 
Gizeh, Egypt, at the time the .pyramids were building, and it 
seems that editors had their troubles then as well as now. 

There was a frenzied look in the eye of the editor as he 
threw off his coat, fired a paper weight at the office foreman, 
and gave the clock a look that froze the hands in their places. 

"Guess I might as well tell the dear public a few things," 
he muttered to himself, as he grabbed up a piece of papyrus and 




\0\TS9 .•P.TMfc GlZEtt PAPVCUS 



70 A reporter's scrap-book. 

began to turn out "copy." There was a wicked gleam in his 
eye as he wrote, that showed that there was no foolishness in 
hihi, and every motion of the hand indicated that he meant bus- 
iness. What was he writing? Well, we shall see. 



"We shall take a little space in this issue of the Papyrus 
to explain a few things to the public which some may not under- 
stand," he wrote. "Some people have used us for a door mat 
about as long as we will stand it, and we propose to assert our 
rights. 

"We have just returned after a walk of fifteen blocks where 
we were called to get a news item. We inferred from the ex- 
cited manner in which we were told of the item over the telephone 
that Cheops was shot or there was a strike at the new pyramid. 
When we arrived at the office of Mose Abkr, we were told that 
the ten-year-old daughter of Mose would leave in a few days 
for a two days' visit at Sakahara. We have been gold-bricked, 
tricked at cards and gone up against the shell game to our sor- 
row, but never felt that we got so little for our money as when 
we walked fifteen blocks to get an item that was hardly worth 
a place in the brevity column. We have also just learned that 
while we were gone, the police raided an opium joint, and the 
big lion broke out of his cage at the Zoo, and we could not have 
had a line about either, were it not for our unexcelled local news 
service. We know that Mose and his family are trying to break 
into society, but we object to giving them a free advertisement 
after wasting an hour in getting a personal. This makes the 
third time Mose has fooled us in this way, yet when there was 
a fire in his store he never chirped, but we got the news just the 
same and. with a kind forbearance, delicately omitted to men- 
tion the fact that the building, and contents were insured for 
twice what thev were worth only two weeks before the fire." 



' "W'e might as well lay down the law in a few other matters. 
Mike Ducat met us on the street the other day, and, after giving 
us a dilapidated cheroot, tried to get us to boom him for assessor. 
We would inform Mike that we will continue in the straight and 
narrow path of plain duty to the people, and that he can not 
own us bv giving us a cheap cigar or a bowl of soup. We would 
suggest that Mike try to overcome that gait which he picked up 
in the chain gang at the 'pen' before coming out for office." 



"The 'Never Sleep' Missionary Society for the reformation 
of city councils sent a representative down to see us the other 



A reporter's scrap-book. 71 

day and gave us twO' tickets to the lawn fete to be given soon. 
The man said with a patronizing air, that he would 'give us 
something to eat,' if we would show up at their blow-out. and 
incidentally give them six free notices beforehand. This insult, 
that we don't have enough to eat. has been flung into our faces 
by nearly every two shekel society in Gizeh, and we would in- 
form its members that if they would pay their subscriptions to 
the Papyrus, we would get along comfortably at all times. Even 
if we didn't have enough to eat, we would prefer to hit a free 
lunch counter, where the proprietor would not speak of it every 
time we chanced across him." 



"Some superannuated hyena with not enough nerve about 
him even to write an anonymous letter, sent in a communication 
to us a few days ago signed 'Vox Populi." He evidently wanted 
us to print the letter which was a libel on one of our best citi- 
zens and then have us stand for it. If the villian who composed 
the array of dilapidated picket fences, will come to this office, 
we will tell him what we think of him. If he wants to meet us 
privately, we will see him in the alley back of the office any time 
after office hours." 



"Jake Rameses called us over to his office yesterday under 
the pretense of having a news item, but really to tell us a story 
that is old enough to vote. Jake is a pretty nice sort of a fellow, 
but we 'pass' on his alleged jokes, especially as he expects us to 
laugh every time. If we had three other such fellows in Gizeh 
to monopolize our time, the Papyrus would not come out once a 
month. We would be glad to hire a man to accommodate friends 
of the paper to do nothing but listen to moth-eaten jokes and 
brag on them, tut the present state of finances will not warrant 
it." 



"Prof. Nemo can have his five hundred page manuscript on 
'Fosils of the Carboniferous Age,' by calling at this office. We 
would be glad to accommodate the professor, but we would have 
to take advantage of the bankrupt law, if we attempted to use 
papyrus enough to print it in our regular edition." 

"Having now enjoyed this frank, heart-to-heart talk with 
our subscribers, we will state that we hold no grudge against 
any of them who pay their subscriptions in advance. Rates 
remain at the old popular prices : 150 shekels a year, 50 per cent 
oflF for cash in advance. 



72 A reporter's scrap-book, 

EDITOR'S ADVICE TO YOUNG WRITER WHO 
WOULD BE A JOURNALIST. 



"We have just received the following letter," wrote the 
editor of the Papyrus, of Gizeh, Egypt: 
Dear Mr. Editor:' 

I have aspirations to become a journalist and write to you 
for advice. I yearn to be able to write pieces to speak and get 
my name mentioned in the Memphis papers. I have written 
compositions at the Shellback district school that were pro- 
nounced evidences of genius. I submit a few samples for your 
inspection. yours truly, 

J. LEMON SAUR. 

"My dear misguided friend," wrote the editor in reply. 
"Your ambitions to become a journalist may be all right, but it 
is quite out of my line. A 'journalist' is a fellow who greases the 
journals of box cars. I suppose, though, that you mean that 
you wanted to be a newspaper man, which is quite a different 
thing. A young man is always 'a journalist' until he gets into 
the harness for a few weeks, and then he is content to be called 
a newspaper man, or any other old thing, provided his meals 
come regularly three times a day. Will you be content to wear 
poor clothes, work long hours and often go with an empty flour 
barrel? If so. we will consider the matter you wrote, and see 
whether vou were cut out for a newspaper man? 

"Your story of 'the disastrous conflagration' was interesting, 
but I always think it is a good think to let people know about 
what one is writing. I know there is a difference of opinion 
about this among writers, but I am frank to say. that I prefer 
to give mv readers all the facts, clearly stated, even though the 
story does not sound so aesthetic and exclusive. Would it not be 
well to state somewhere in the article that McMonegal's hen 
house was on fire? This is only a suggestion. 

"Then you wrote something about 'the whispering brooklet 
that trickled along between banks of golden rod,' etc. But the 
people out >-our wav would prohably understand what you meant 
if you spoke about 'the ditch that cuts across Mike Bologna's 
place, filled with smart weed and thistles that badly need cutting.' 

"Then you speak of a man 'yielding to an ebullition of feel- 
ing and precipitating a missle, disturbing the equanimitv of an 
itenerant feline.'' Why not say that the man 'threw a boot-jack 
at a strav cat?' 



A reporter's scrap-book. 73 

"Your attempt to use foreign quotations reminds me of a 
woman trying to throw clods at a hen. They hit somewhere, 
but no one would pretend to guess where. Yet foreign quota- 
tions are not so bad to fill in when you have nothing to say, ancf 
want to impress others with your classical knowledge. I 'notice 
that the ones you use are pretty good. Indeed, they show that 
you were pretty careful in copying them out of the' rear pages 
of the dictionary. 

"We presume you thought you had the universe dazzled by 
your genius when you wrote : 

"Yes, with the green coverlid of Mother Earth waving in 
rank luxuriance at our feet, luscious fruit swinging from bend- 
ing boughs, the mighty forests dressed in holidav attire, the 
fields undulating in billowy license in the kindling dawn, the 
mellow atmosphere dispensing ozone in rich profusion and end- 
less variety to the worn down sons of toil, with the rich varie- 
gated scene one grand panorama of summer time, until upon 
hickory leaf, hawthorn hedge, evening sky and flaming aurora, 
the seductive bugle notes of the solemn autumnal march break 
with such climacteric effect and winsomness as to woo the glad 
hours of the live-longed day by sable charms into the fond em- 
brace of inanimate nature again." 

"We take the risk of being called an unsympathetic brute, 
a murderer of budding talent and a chronic knocker on every- 
thing aesthetic and beautiful by saying that this is absolutely the 
worst 'rot' every written outside a lunatic asylum. A man who 
can make an omelet of 'the evening sky. the flaming aurora, the 
seductive bugle and hickory leaves,' better travel incognito, or 
he will write no more stuff of that kind outside a padded cell. 
Treatment for paresis is recommended in this case. 

"Then, in speaking of a street parade, you said : 'The 
rythm of the gigantic movement throbbed like a mighty heart.' 
If you are just determined to throw yourself you might state that 
'the calorific effulgence of the physiogonomy surpassed the eso- 
teric influence of the deodorized proletariat.' You may not see 
anv sense in this sentence, and there is none, but, in that respect, 
it is just as good as yours, and then there are more big words in 
it. If you think you have to say something grandiloquent, you 
better merely pass it up with the statement that 'no amount of 
slopping over would do justice to the occasion.'' 

"Your effort at poetry is pathetic. Indeed, we have been 
addicted with the same disease, until advised by friends to take 
something for the poetry habit. Here are a few of your lines : 



74 A reporter's scrap-book. 

Spring- grass has begun to grow 

And Nature take new life, 
Cattle may now 'begin to low, 

In life's 'battle, fiercest strife. 
"We've seen worse rhyme than that, but don't remember 
just when. Since you are bound to have a poem on spring, why 
not let 'er run something like this : 

Spring colds are already here. 

And slush and mud and rubber boots, 
"Here" will rhyme with "pony beer, 
The other line — why nothing suits. 
"The latter rhyme will also tell something of the effort of 
the writer to make the lines jingle, and then it has the beauty of 
not being a slander on nature. Nearly every would-be poet takes 
a fall out of nature every time he takes a shot at doggerel rhyme. 
The fourth line of your effort has no connection with the rest, 
but then it isn't a bad idea to say som^ething about life's battle 
on general principles. It has served so well for commencement 
orations, that we have begun to thank that worse stuff might be 
used. The fact that the fourth line has no connection with the 
rest of the stanza is not necessarily an indication of bad poetry, 
for much of the stuff that comes to our ofifice is devoid of thought 
or rhyme, but it finally makes connection with our waste 'basket, 
if it doesn't with anything else. 

"With these slight alterations and suggestions, your manu- 
script sent in might be used for 'time copy,' if the items you 
furnished had not been stale news three weeks ago." 



MIDSUMMER DULLNESS. 

It was a hot August day at Gizeh, Egyt. 

The editor of the Papyrus was sitting in his office chair 
trying to figure out how he was to get enough copy for the 
week's edition of the paper, and was almost at his wits' end. 
The weather was intolerably hot, but as it had been hot all sum- 
mer there was no news in that, and, anyway, he had written 
columns about the weather during the summer, and did not 
wish to inflict any more "rot" of that kind on the public. 

This was long before reporters learned the knack of building 
modern fireproof hotels and big canning factories whenever 
news got scarce. 

Neither could the editor fall back on "The True Story of 
the Abduction of Charlie Ross," "Did Bill Shakespeare Write 
His Own Works or Hire a Substitute ?" and such other cheerful 



A reporter's scrap-book. 75 

stories which bob up every time there is a dearth of legitimate 
news. Had it been to-day, the enterprising editor might go 
into the back room with a handsaw and chew off a rod or so of 
plate miscellany, full of spring poems and dissertations on how 
to stew turnips. But the editor of the Giceh Papyrus was thrown 
entirely upon his own resources. 

"It's too early to interview the goose-bone man, and I have 
mentioned the thickness of the corn husks," said the editor to 
the foreman, "and I'll be hanged if I can stray upon another 
topic. 

"I put a five head on that dog fight in front of Nebat's gro- 
cery, yesterday, when it wasn't worth a line, and you say you 
have Professor Fossil's paper on 'Traces of Pie Plant in the 
Protozoan Age' all ready for the press. Well, I've got to have 
some more copy." 



POINTER FOR STREET SPRINKLER. 

We would suggest to the driver of the street sprinkler that 
he sprinkle the sunny side of the street at least- once every 
summer. We notice that the dust is ankle deep along the sunny 
side of the street all summer, while the sidewalks on the shady 
side of the street are all spattered with mud which the horses 
have splashed while kicking at flies in the pools of water under 
the shade trees. 



VOX HANK MUSTAPHUS. 

Several weeks ago we received a communication signed 
*'Vox Poptili" which intimated in a sly- manner that the whole 
world was standing on the tiptoe of- expectancy to hear the name 
of Hank Mustaphus named for assessor in the Sixth ward. In 
the communication it was shown that the autumn breezes were 
whispering of him, and horses and cattle would lay awake nights 
trying to murmur his name. We think we would have no trouble 
in laying our hands on the writer of the communication, as we 
recall that Hank got just three votes for the job two years ago, 
one of which was that of his brother-in-law, another his cousin, 
and the third vote we suspect was none other than that of Hank 
liimself. We would suggest that "the voice of the people" could 
shout three or four times as loud as that for Hank without 
deafening anybody. 



76 A rkporter's scrap-book. 

PROMINENT CITIZEN TALKS. 

"Are nmskmelons or green pears productive of the most 
cholera morbus?" was asked a prominent citizen by the Papyrus 
to-day. 

"I don't know," was the reply. "I am not an expert on 
cholera morbus. I'll tell you what you might say to your read- 
ers. You know it is a trite saying that. every boil a man has is 
worth ten shekels. Just tell your readers that I have two or 
three on my hands that I will be glad to let go at 8.78." 

"Any new business blocks going up this fall?" was asked. 

"None that I know of." 

"Anybody sick, dead, married or eloped down your way?" 

"No ; everything is serene." 

"Perhaps somebody has found a freak gourd or a two-headed 
calf?" persisted the reporter. 

"Nary a one." 

"Seen any meteors or ghosts lately?" 

"Naw." 

"Any scandal or gasoline explosion?" 

"Not one." 

"Any new arrivals at the Gizeh inn?" 

"Not one in three weeks." 

"Any old guests I might interview on business conditions 
or the price of ostrich eggs in Memphis?" 

"Only two out-of-town guests left there this summer. One 
that cross-eyed old maid with whiskers from Memphis, and the 
other Mose Tympanum from Sakahara." 

Mose is deaf, and I'll be hanged if I interview that old maid 
any more on woman's suffrage. Heard anv new fish stories?" 
persisted the Papyrus. 

"Not a one." 

"Any stories of any kind that we might use?" 

"Nope." 

"What in blazes do you know, anyhow? I've got to have a 
half-column more before I go to press." 

"I don't know a peskv thing. A fellow that knows nothing 
isn't responsible for anything." 

"You ought to take advantage of the bankrupt law and 
start over to learn something," suggested the reporter. 



"Well. Bill," said the editor to the foreman, "use the stuff 
I've just got up. Then put in the six ads for the Papyrus telling 
that 'now is the time to subscribe,' use my old circulation lie at 



A reporter's scrap-book. 77 

the head of the editorial page, and I will write two or three 
communications to the Papyrus, and sign 'em an 'Old Subscriber/ 
'Veritas' and 'Pro Bono Publico.' This sheet has got to come 
out on time if I have to go down and lick the mayor to get 
enough stuff." 



SEWING SOCIETIES AT GIZEH 

"The regular meeting of the Gizeh Sewing Society will 
be held with Mrs. Benhadad Thursday afternoon, August 24. 
Besides making a silk crazy quilt for the heathen in Europe, 
the afternoon will be spent in the discussion of 'Lofty Ideas 
in Character Building,' " 

This note, signed by the secretary of the society, had been 
sent to the editor of the Gizeh Papyrus with the request that 
it be given a good big head and run every issue until the event. 

The editor naturally wondered where the news of the item 
lay after printing it three or four times, but like the editors of 
to-day. took it good naturedly and gave it sixteen free notices 
and never received a "thank you" from a member of the society. 

The meeting day arrived and the members began to assemble 
at Mrs. Benhadad's home. Mrs. Pileser was the first to arrive. 
She was greeted warmly at the door and told to remove her 
wraps and make herself at home. 

"What a lovely pink waist you have on !" said the hostess 
as Mrs. Pileser threw off her cape and sank back into a chair. 

"Do you like it?" inquired Mrs. Pileser in feigned surprise, 
for she had set her heart on making her sister sewers sore and 
envious. "Well, I hope you do like it as well as Mrs. Peach- 
arino's organdie ; I got it on a bargain counter down at Memphis. 
Was marked two shekels a yard and I got it for only 1.98 shekels. 
Nothing like it in Gizeh." 

"Why, that's a dream !" exclaimed Mrs. Benhadad. Mrs. 
Peacharino isn't in your class. She always makes me weary, 
anyhow." 

"I feel the same way," said Mrs. Pileser. "She thinks she's 
some pumpkins and is trying to marry her cross-eyed daughter 
into the Ducat family, but she'll do well to catch a camel driver. 
She has none of the grace or accomplishments of my daughter, 
Beatrice, and if anybody is to get a banker's son, Beatrice is 
entitled to recogfnition." 



"Delighted to see you," said Mrs. Pileser, as she arose from 
the chair and stood greeting Mrs. Peacharino effusively. She 



78 A reportkr's scrap-boqk. 

was careful, though, to stand where the Hght would show off her 
new waist to best advantage. 

Mrs. Peacharino noticed the movement, but she checked her 
inclination to frown, and pretended not to notice the new gown. 
Taking a silent vow to outshine Mrs. Pileser at the next meet- 
ing, if she had to mortgage her home, she talked about every- 
thing except dress, and spent the rest of the afternoon in trying 
to divert a discussion of this topic, but with only partial success. 

As Mrs. Abel-mandeb was not present, the chat turned upon 
the rumor that her daughter had started to run away with "the 
hired hand." Mrs. Abel-mandeb was scored unmercifully, ancf 
it was intimated that if she had not set a bad example herself 
in talking with every old rebrobate, the conduct of the daughter 
would have been better. 

P>y reason of this censure by all present, Mrs. Abel-mandeb 
was received even more warmly that other guests. Women who 
a few minutes before were talking most recklessly, went to greet 
her when the doorbell rang. 

So the afternoon passed away. There was the late arrival 
who thought it fashionable to come late and make more of a 
display ; there was the old maid with whiskers and a mole on 
her chin that bespoke of "women's independence" and some 
man's happy escape, and there were some of those good, sensible 
women, whom men 'in all ages delight to honor. 

All, however, were interested in the latest design of hat or 
gown, and most of them were not averse to talking about some 
other woman who was not present. 

The crazy-quilt was stitched amid the discussion of the 
fashion sheet, and the newest scandal from the king's court. 
"Lofty Ideas in Character Building" was sidetracked with much 
the same skill that men use in turning "an intellectual feast" 
into a story- telling contest, and the subject of the day was turned 
over to the school teachers to discuss at institutes. 

But all this happened in the barbarian days of the past, ages 
before the highly intellectual and moral heights of the present 
civilization had been reached. 



P. S. — A number of out-of-town subscribers to the Giceh 
Papyrus have asked us to give the pronunciation of the paper 
and town of Gizeh. Gizeh is a little town founded at the time 
the pyramids of Egypt were started, and is right near those his- 
toric piles. Gizeh, also spelled Gheezeh, is pronounced "Gee-zeh," 
accent on the first syllable, "g" pronounced as in "get."" "Papy- 
rus" is pronounced "pa-py-rus," accent on second syllable. The 



A rkporter's scrap-book. 79 

present town of Gizeh is on the west bank of the Nile, three 
miles southwest of the modern city of Cairo, and now claims 
10,500. We know this is right, for we looked it up in a dic- 
tionary. We people of Gizeh, however, would resent any infer- 
ence that the people of that city were "geezers," and make no 
claim for the origin of that vulgar word. 



FIGHTING EDITOR IN GOOD FORM. 

"We have been delayed in getting out this week's edition of 
the Papyrus," wrote the editor of Gizeh's great organ, "but we 
think we are safe in saying that it will not be delayed again soon 
from the same cause. We have just enjoyed a meeting, that to 
us was decidedly pleasing, with Mike Bunco, the ward heeler, 
corporation robber and would-be political boss. 

"In our issue of last week, we took occasion to call attention 
to some crooked work done by Mike recently. A few days after 
publication, we received two anoymous letters, both in the same 
handwriting, and mailed at the same time asking us to dis- 
charge the reporter who, it was supposed, wrote the article. We 
examined the handwriting, if it may be called that, and then 
compared it with a manuscript sent in several weeks ago on 
'How to Run the Universe." This article was signed 'Mike 
Bunco,' and there was no mistaking the fact that they were 
written by the same person. Those pot-hooks, warped potato 
mashers and sketches of an Indian jungle, could not have been 
scrawled by any other than Mike In his article, Mike growled 
at Providence for not having the Nile overflow twice a year in- 
stead of once, wanted palm trees to grow bread, rice and sweet 
potatoes all ready to eat, and w anted to cross bees with light- 
ning bugs to make them work at night. Mike then borrowed 
Bill Higgins' paper for three weeks to look for the article, yet 
he wanted to sign the communication 'Old Subscriber.' 

"We have been aching for some time to see this old sneak 
to remind him of some clothing stolen oflf our line several nights 
ago, when we saw him making away with them, but we have 
not had an opportunity to see him until today, when he came 
to our office. 

"Mike came in the front door with a whip made of alliga- 
tor skin, under his left arm. He looked mad as he sauntered up 
to the desk where we were working on a tariff editorial. 

" 'I am Hon. A. Q. M. Bunco !" he said, swelling up like a 
toad, and stretching himself up to his full height. 



8o A reporter's scrap-book. 

" 'Glad to know that you have an "honorable" to your name. 
It's the only honorable thing I ever heard about you,' we re- 
plied, continuing our work. 

"'Who's responsible for that article?' he snorted. 

"'I am. I wrote it myself. It's true, isn't it?' we replied 
calmly. 

" 'Well, you can prepare to take one of the worst lickings 
you ever had in your life,' he said, taking up his whip, 'and here 
is a correction you will run in the next paper, or I'll cut off your 
county printing.' 

" 'Who's running this shop, anyhow ?' we said. 'Do you 
think we are going to sit here like a bump on a log and take 
instructions from an unhung villain like you?' 

"We felt pretty good that morning, anyhow, and as we gave 
up the duties of the sanctum for a few moments, we did it cheer- 
fully from a sense of public duty. We grabbed Bunco by the 
collar, and after thrashing him around in the air for a few times, 
threw him through the front door. We omit the painful details. 
When Bunco hobbled off he looked like he had been run through 
a feed cutter and he had door knobs on his anatomy that re- 
sembled a physical map of Abyssinia. We have to apologize to 
our readers for not killing him on the spot, but it might have in- 
terferred with getting out our paper today. The public must 
remember that we have other public duties that must be consid- 
ered. As it was, it took us some time to scrub the floor and get 
the sanctum in its usual orderly condition. 

"Some day when we are over his way, we will drop in and 
give him a dog button or some insect powder. We shall do this 
with the same cheerfulness that we threw him through the front 
window, as our time is given over to the interest of public morals. 
We shall not have the usual solicitude about putting a man out 
of the way, but we will send a note of congratulation to his wife. 
She can then care for her six children at the washtub without 
having to board and feed him in addition. 



"The correction that Bunco wanted us to print is given 
merely as a matter of news to our readers. Here is what the old 
reprobate wanted us to say: 'Through an unfortunate error on 
the part of some one of malicious intent, the fair name of Hon. 
A. Q. AI. Bunco has been held in question by a suspicion of a 
whisper. We are sick at heart, demoralized, overwhelmed, 
humiliated and astounded by this whisper of anything against 
the honored name of that great leader of his party, the pride of 



A reporter's scrap-book. 81 

his fellow townsmen and the glory of the nation, Hon. A. Q. M. 
Bunco.' 

"Mike tackled the wrong man when he thought we would 
jolly him. He thinks he has us down on the matter of county 
printing, and threatens that he will not allow needed improve- 
ments is our ward, unless we go in with his gang. We will say 
right here that if we never so much as get a street sign for our 
ward, and we have to get out in our bare feet and let water off 
the streets with a hoe to prevent crocodiles from swimming past 
our doors, we will show him up just the same. He forgets 
that we remember the time he stole the city blind by acting as 
a go-between for a supply house while he was chairman. 
He may not recall the occasion when he robbed the mite 
boxes for the poor, and then perjured himself to send 
his accomplice to the pen. He is a man of no party, 
but is in politics for revenue only. He thinks the town will go 
to rack if he ever leaves or dies, but we will inform him right 
here that voluntary subscriptions are now coming in like hot 
cakes for a monster celebration the moment he gets through 
his meal of insect powder." 



MAKE IT HOT FOR EVIL DOERS. 

"You are sentenced to a thousand days in the workhouse," 
said the police judge of Gizeh, Egypt, as he glanced up from his 
book of law statutes. 

"I am sorry I can't send you up for a million years, but the 
law won't allow me," he continued. "A lazy loafer like you, 
who spends his time drinking strong waters, steals money his 
wife earns at a wash tub, and then beats her because she has no 
more, ought to be run through a sausage grinder or flayed alive." 

The prisoner took his sentence quietly. He slunk back for 
a moment, but recovered his defiant look. 

"You forget that I have a pull in the Twenty-first ward. 
We'll fix you next election," he hissed out under his breath, which 
smelled to high heaven of sour beer. , 

The turnkey led the prisoner out and down into a cell until- 
he could be taken to the workhouse. The patrol wagon per- 
formed this service and two hours later he found himself in the 
superintendent's ofifice at the workhouse. , 

"It's too bad that the police judge spoke so rudely to you," 
was explained. 



82 A reporter's scrap-book. 

"He does not belong to our gang, 'but while he may have 
spoken harshly, perhaps the formality of the sentence will fool the 
public." 

"Is mine pardon ready?" was asked. 

"You bet," was the reply. "Got some of the best citizens 
of the city on the petition. The public is easy when it comes to 
signing petitions. There is no money in keeping wife-beaters 
anyhow. Too much of the money goes into the relief fund for 
the family." 

"We are not so certain but that this talk of prison reform 
is all bosh," wrote the editor of the Papyrus. 

Hie was speaking of the case cited above and the tendency 
of the times to pardon nine-tenths of the prisoners and send bou- 
quets, furnish big dinners and otherwise heroize the rest of the 
vicious element of the community, which ever and anon found its 
way behind the bars. 

"Who cares if the prisons are poorly ventilated, if the pris- 
oners have to work more than eight hours a day, or even if they 
pass away into the hereafter? It seems to us a matter of su- 
preme indifference whether the loafers, wife-beaters, cut-throats 
and thugs live or die inside the prison walls. The more who 
die there, the better it will he for the race left, and the less 
incentive to crime would be given those viciously inclined out- 
side the prison. What deterrent influence has a prison, with 
bouquets, poterhouse steak and a good warm place to sleep, upon 
the cut-throat, the wife-beater and the professional highwaymen? 

"We are backed up in this view by statistics which we have 
carefully tabulated from the .prison records. In the good, old 
days, people regarded it a stigma upon a man to be arrested, and 
he was made to feel his punishment. Thg wife-beater was 
taught in the only appeal that could he made to him, given fifty 
lashes a day for the three years which he was incarcerated, the 
cut-throat who bound and gagged his victim and used hot pok- 
ers to extort money, was forced to walk harefoot through live 
coals once a day, branded on the back with red-hot irons, and 
then burned at the stake on the sixtieth day, while the hands of 
the light fingered 'boodle' alderman were cut ofif with as little con- 
cern as a jailor of today takes up a newspaper. Perhaps this 
plan is not altogether founded along sentimental lines, but it does 
the business. 

"Previously to the adoption of this method, crime had been 
rampant. The following statistics for the year 1901 B. C. will 
go to show some of the facts : 



A reporter's scrap-book. 83. 

"Highway robberies 3 

"Murderers 2 

"Wives beaten by husbands 367,78J> 

"Drunks '. 4.543,67-8 

"City sold out by council • 436 

"The next year the penal code went into operation and 
crime was brought up with a swift jerk. Here is the record for 
that year : 

"Highway roberies 3 

"Mureders 2 

"Wives beaten 1 

"Drunks 23 

"Aldermen hung 2 

"The plea of insanity and drunkenness, which had been used 
to excuse crime, was disregarded, the judge curtly stating that 
if a man was insane or crazy drunk, he vv^as not a safe man to 
allow running around loose and he was sent up just the same, 
only with an additional penalty for being drunk or insane. 

"It is remarkable what a wholesome regard for law was se- 
cured in this way," continued the editor. "We certainly are 
opposed to going back to the pardoning and porterhouse steak 
plan for criminals, at least until the law gets hold of a certain 
delinquent subscribers that we now have in mind." 



IN A QUANDARY 

"We find ourselves halting between two ideas," wrote the 
editor of the Gi::eh Papyrus, as he seized his stylus and pro- 
ceeded to mark hyeroglyphics upon the papyrus beneath his 
hand. "Heretofore we have kept 'hewing to the line, letting the 
chips fall where they may.' and trying to dodge all the rocks, 
cabbage and eggs that have been hurled our way, depending upon 
our sense of right and our hope that posterity will call us blessed 
for our efforts. 

"Now we, have begun to wonder whether it is better to 
roast or to jolly a fellow who does wrong — whether, as con- 
servator of public morals and boss opinion molders, it is better 
to tell a fellow he is a good thing and try to reform him or throw 
the hooks into him and depend upon the withering scorn of his 
fellows to do the same job in better shape. 

"Now, that we have begun to discuss the matter, we will take 
our readers into our confidence and tell them just how we feel 



84 A reporter's SCRx\P-B0OK. 

about this matter. Three weeks ago Bill Abdullah met us on the 
street and congratulated us on the manner in which we had shown 
up the action of some young bloods of the city, and telling us how 
much good the Papyrus was doing in exposing evil and sin in 
every form. 

"A few days after we had seen Bill, we learned of a shady 
real estate deal in which he had sold a house to a washwoman for 
500 shekels, and after she had paid in 675 shekels, interest and 
all, he had stolen the property under foreclosure proceedings. 
We took occasion to mention this matter in the Papyrus, and 
Bill has seemed offended ever since, notwithstanding his advice to 
hit evil whenever it stuck up its head. Then Bill's son got mixed 
up in a peck of trouble, and Bill was the first man to appear at 
our office and request us to keep it out of print to save the family 



"We have sometimes wondered if it had been better to jolly 
Bill and refer to his strict integrity, and how he would not stoop 
to trickery and deceit, and depond upon. Bill to brace up, not- 
withstanding the fact that a man who will pass a counterfeit 
shekels on a blind orphan girl wasn't an manhood to reach. Had 
I decided to jolly Bill, he might have bought a copy of the 
Papyrus and mailed it to his only friend, a jailor at Memphis. 

"Sometimes we fear that the public has a wrong idea of the 
editor of the Papyrus — that he is regarded as a cross between a 
fire-eating dragon and ja. half-baked hyena, and feel that he has 
no kind word for anybody. Last week we took occasion to note 
the arrival of Jim Ducat's baby, and meant to be complimentary 
in saying it had a head just like its father. Jim went up in the 
air when he saw it — claimed it was a deliberate slap at his bald- 
ness — a matter about which Jim is painfully sensitive. 

"Attorney Sumpunkins has also seemed offended at us ever 
a casual remark made about a damage suit. We incidentally 
stated that we did not know which was more vicious, manu- 
factured testimony in a suit for damages where the plaintiff was 
wholly at fault, or stealing nine-tenths of the money from the in- 
jured man after he had received a verdict. 

"Then, again, one of Gizeh's officials has acted rather un- 
friendly. It seems that in our hurry to get out on time two 
weeks ago, this item appeared : 

" 'Since receiving an annual pass from the Memphis & Gizeh 
packet line, Judge Michael Megacephalitis has modified his 
opinion relative to allowing the packet line to land goods at Cue 
street, holding that, according to Footnote "z," Section 738935, 
Mummified Statutes from Babylonian Antiquities and Protozoan 



A RE pointer's scrap-book. 85 

Records, "A packet line may land any place not watched by 
police," and it is claimed a policeman has not been seen on Cue 
street in nine years.' 

"As to the error made in the Papyrus, we would state that 
the reference to the annual pass was an oversight, merely 
jotted down to remind ourselves of a reason for the change of 
opinion, and was in no manner essential to the decision rendered. 

"After arousing this unfriendly feeling on the part of these 
men recently, we are undecided which is the better course to 
pursue," continued the editor of the Papyrus. "We don't care 
to be always regarded as a literary cactus, as a chained bloodhounid 
looking for trouble, yet we propose to continue the work of re- 
forming Gizeh's citizens if it costs a leg. Can we reach wrong- 
doers better by jollying than by roasting them, by telling their 
good points until they will feel as cheap as a Babylonian three- 
cent piece, or by painting their sins in such graphic colors that 
there will be a big stampede toward reform ?" 

MISCELLANEOUS 



SPORTING EDITOR AT A MUSICALE. 

The church editor was sick and the musical critic on another 
.assignment so the musicale at the Fifth Avenue Methodist church 
fell to the lot of the sporting editor. 

The sporting editor took the assignment with some mis- 
givings, but as he had evinced no little versatility the city editor 
thought him equal to. the occasion. It was about 10 o'clock of 
the following day when his story was up and handed to the city 
editor. Here it is head and all: 

FROM A FLYING START. 



FIFTH AVENUE CHURCH CHOIR GETS AWAY O. K. 

OTHER MUSICALES DISTANCED ON THE TLIIRD 

QUARTER. 



PROF. BATON'S LINE PLUNGING A FEATURE. 



B\SSO H. PROFUNDO KICKS GOAL FROM THE 

FIELD. 



86 A reporter's scrap-book. 

The grand stand was well filled and there was a fair sprink- 
ling on the bleachers when the choir of the Fifth Avenue church 
got away at the musicale last evening. There was considerable 
jockeying for position on the start, but when Professor Baton 
showed his disgust of the whole business by bringing his club 
down with a force that cut through the air like Casey missing a 
drop curve, the quartet braced up and got away in a hunch. It 
was nip and tuck until they turned the second quarter, when the 
soprano began to gain and both she and the contralto gradually 
drew away from the basso and the classic tenor until every 
man in the grand stand would have been wilHng to put up his last 
dollar that they would finish first. Indeed they had already begun 
to show their triumph and were shouting "Hallelujah when there 
was some Alphonse and Gaston business, and to the surprise of 
all the four trotted under the wire together. 

Miss Index played one of Chopin's valses, "valises" as the 
man at my right put it, though it sounded more like a sample 
trunk. 

Miss Falsetto put up the soprano solo of the evening. She 
started strong and then swinging several hooks and upper cuts 
made a high dive that had 'em all guessing. Sidestepping for a 
little she made several passes and feints, and when we ducked 
to avoid punishment she swung left to body and right to jaw and 
had us groggy when the gong sounded. 

The next event was a reverie from Tannhauser, by Professor 
-Harry Kopp, with violin obligato by A. Minor Key. 

Professor Kopp does himse/f an injustice in playing such 
H selection before an audience of musicians. We have heard 
-him in "Chopin's Polonaise" at the conservatory at Suttgart and 
there he had opportunity to display his sublime genius. In this 
reverie from Tannhauser he is entirely too "andante" and with 
the bases full and two men out, he should be a little more risque 
and fortissimo. Later in the evening, however, Professor Kopp 
■scored a triumph in one of Wagner's "catch as catch can." 

A Minor Key made a touch down in the violin obigato. 
While onlv making a one base hit at the start, he slid to second, 
stole third and was at the home plate before Professor Kopp was 
able to flag him. 

His technique and expression are good and his endurance 
shows the ofifect of careful diet at the training table. How- 
ever, we would suggest that his imitation of the sighing of the 
wind would be more effective if he wore whiskers. 

H. Basso Profundo in his eflfort would improve if put on the 
bench for a time for playing off side. He tries to make a hit 



A reporter's scrap-book. 87 

with the girls in the grand stand, and when he steps up to the bat 
and really fans out he seems to imagine he has made a home run. 
Taken as a whole the 'team work of the choir is good. The 
soprano is good tn end runs and the tenor is all right at interfer- 
ence, but the basso should be able to smash through the centre to 
better effect. The crowd is pretty fair at trick plays, and with 
proper coaching will out-play anything of their weight before the 
end of the season. 



MODERN IDEAS IN TEXTBOOKS 

There must be up-to-date text books for the schools ! 

Children are crying for them more than for soothing syrup, 
and there is a genuine demand aside from the periodical wail of 
book manufacturers and men who get a large whack at the 
school funds by reason of "influence" exerted in introducing 
them. 

The plain fact of the matter is that our school books are 
antiquated, behind the times and in no way in keeping with 
modern ideas of civilization. 

The drift of population to the cities has created a demand 
for books with reading matter which the children understand. 
What's the use of talking about sheaves of wheat, plows, self- 
binders, alsike clover, and bumblebees, when not one child in a 
dozen ever saw any of them? What's the use even of talking of 
the sky, or the sun or the moon, when the smoke and great 
skyscrapers are rapidly shutting them out from view ? Why not 
speak of things and events as they are seen in the cities and in 
language that the most thick-headed urchin can understand? 



But criticism without suggesting a remedy is merely to get 
the reputation for being a knocker, so it is designed to give a few 



A REPORTER S SCRAP-BOOK. 



suggestions that will help book-makers and authors out of trou- 
ble. Here is an idea for a reading lesson for the lower grades ; 




Here is a Great Man. He Controls the gang in the "umpty- 
steenth" ward. He has a Pull with the Guv of the State also 
with the Elevated Railroad. He says who shall be Assessor, who 
shall get Jobs on the L road and Work on the Street, as well 
as who shall have the Snaps in the City offices. He is Called a 
Boss by people in the other party, but we know him to be a 
Patriot. 



Then, of course, the schools will warn "pieces to speak." 
The little boy who has been reciting about his dog named Rover 
who died all over, will have to be appeased with something like 
this : 

Johnny had a little wheel. 

Whose bearings didn't fit ; 

He rode the wheel against a curb^ 

Johnny hasn't got his bearings "yit." 

The rhyme is a little far-fetched and the poetic feet are not 
mates, but the idea is there. 



A lesson to teach self-restraint and take the place of the 
story of the boy who did not know the gun was loaded may be 
given : 

DON'T LOITER OX THE STREET. 

Sammy Jones was coming home from school one day. He 
had been boning hard in order to smear the prof at the next quiz 
in electricity, and his head was full of ohms, volts, dynamos, 



A reporter's scrap-book. 89 

insulators and alternating currents. Spying a live trolley wire in 
the street, he stooped down to examine it. The wire is alive yet, 
but Sammy isn't. However, he is still full of volts and alter- 
nating currents and has gone to his long "ohm." 

Moral — Boys may play carelessly with the tame bear at the 
zoo, but should steer clear of the business end of a trolley wire. 



Then there is the old story of the boy who cried wolf three 
times and fooled the people so bad that when the wolf finally ap- 
peared he could get no help and the wolf had all kinds of mutton. 
This may be replaced by a story, which, by the way, is an actual 
occurence in a Toledo factory : 

NEVER LIE UNLESS THERE IS MONEY IN IT. 

A policeman's beat took him past a large glue factory. 
Every evening it was his custom to Throw the Con into a Dutch 
watchman at the factory. He would tell him that the building 
was afire, and twice the fire department was summoned only to 
find all serene. The Dutchman was Crazy, but the policeman 
was Fourteen blocks away when the department arrived. The 
policeman had Lied deliberately when there was no Money in 
his Pocket in doing so. 

One day the fire Fiend made his appearance in earnest. 
The Policeman told the Watchman to ring in an alarm, but 
the Dutchman told him to go Fly a Kite, or words to that Effect. 
The fire was already doing business in the Basement and the 
Policeman ran two blocks liked a scared Dog until he got to a fire 
box and rang in a call. The fire was put out, but not until it 
had burned up a Mattress which Belonged to the Policeman and 
which He Used after the Sergeant had passed him at night. 



There are changes in history and geography to be made. 
Since the Spanish and Philippine war and the trouble in South 
Africa, the bov or girl who can not name the chief exports from 
the island of Minandaeo and locate Rhodes Spruit and Karee 
Siding is behind the times. The schoolboy orator must no longer 
say "from Maine to California" in speaking of our great and 
glorious land, but must say from, the tropical island of Porto 
Rico to the realm of the Sultan of Sulu. Reference to Dewey 
must be given with reserve as for example : 

"Admiral Dewey is the man who is supposed to have whipp- 
ed the Spanish at Manila bay. We do not know whether he is a 
great man, as he isn't dead yet. Some say he achieved a won- 
derful victory at Manila, but others claim that he could not help 



90 A reporter's scrap-book. 

but whip the Spaniards and that all he had to do was to follow 
the plan outlined for him in a certain yellow journal." 

We must stick by our fellow citizens in other climes and the 
treatment of the subject of cannibalism is dismissed with the 
statement that it is a harmless kind of pastime enjoyed by our 
people in the Pacific islands, not as dangerous as football and less 
brutal than prize fig-hting. 

There are other changes and suggestions, but enought has 
been said to give a general idea of the reforms that must be 
made in our text books. 



BILL PLATT'S "BAR" STORY. 

Dr. D. M. Marshall, formerly of Toledo, but now a resident 
of Forestport, N. Y., has a decided penchant for fishing and 
hunting, and has made frequent excursions into the Adirondacks. 
While on one of these tours, "Bill" Piatt, a veteran guide and 
hunter, accompanied the party. Seated around the camp fire 
one night the hunter related this story which he solemnly 
vouched for as a fact: 

"I was out huntin' one day," he said, "and I got separated 
from my partner. Never saw him any more till that night in 
camp. I went along slowly for I was making a still hunt, and 
kept a sharp lookout for deer or 'bar.' It was long toward the 
middle of the afternoon and I came out into an opening and de- 
cided to sit down and rest awhile. While I was settin' there I 
noticed a big flock of crows circling around a big stump about a 
quarter of a mile away, and I determined to see what was the 
matter. Slipping up carefully toward the spot, I saw a big 
black 'bar' settin' on his haunches and the crows circling round 
him. They would dart down at him and he would keep knocking 
them now with one paw and then with the other. I watched 
the crows pestering the 'bar' for a while and then grabbed hold of 
my gun. 'Here's big game,' I thought to myself as I rammed 
down an extra heavy slug. . The 'bar' was a big one and I 
wanted to make sure of my game. Taking careful aim, I fired 
and the 'bar' fell dead in his tracks. He was a monster big 
fellow, but say, do you know to this day that 'bar' thinks it was 
them crows that killed him?" 



A reporter's scrap-book. 91 

AN EAST SIDE PICTURE. 

Aug. 31, 1901. 

Almost in the heart of the city yet in a sequestered spot whose 
quiet is only disturbe;d by the occasional rumbling of a train, is 
a view so comprehensive and interesting as to be worthy of more 
than a passing mention. 

The place is on a high bank overlooking the river, with two 
lines of railroads one one almost above the other, the tracks of 
the lower one being almost at the water's brink. 

The spot has been the scene of activity in earlier days when 
all travel was along the river, but the paved street on a line carry- 
ing travel more directly into the heart of the city, has supplanted 
this indirect though more picturesque route. 

The scene presented is not so marvelously beautiful, yet there 
is a rare blending of nature and man's handiwork that makes the 
place absorbingly interesting. The spot is little visited, yet there 
is perhaps no place in Toledo where so much of the city can be 
seen at one glance, without climbing into the tower of the Nasby 
or upon the Spitzer building. 

From this point of vantage, at Greenwood avenue and the 
river, may be seen the magnificient river front from Cherry 
street to beyond the bridge at Fassett street. 

It was Sunday evening as the writer paused here. The 
chimes of the Good Shepherd church had just announced the 
hour of six. The sun was setting behind the gray clouds in the 
west and the river stretched out with its wealth of purple, pink 
and gold. 

At the right an engine moved leisurely down to the Ohio 
Central docks, the safety valve hissing. The engine had just been 
turned over by the "hostler" to the night crew and the engineer 
was pulling on his blouse preparatory to the night's work. 

A naphtha launch darted along the river, its engine popping 
away like a miniature gatling gun. Beneath the canvas of the 
launch was a group of tired yet happy people, enjoying the return 
trip to the city after an outing up the river. They had been 
cruising among the lotus beds as the golden hued flowers in the 
launch went to show. 

A few minutes later another launch conveying a yacht from 
the 'bay was seen making its way towards its place of mooring up 
the river. 

As you turn from watching this scene you see the State of 
New York move leisurely up towards its wharf, laden down with 



92 A reporter's scrap-book. 

Put-in Bay passengers, the walking beam of the engine moving 
slowly and the smoke curling lazily from the two black smoke- 
stacks. The vessel is already aflame with light. It is growing 
dusk now. The red lights of the Lake Shore bridge blink out as 
you glance that way and see a train moving across and winding 
into the Union station with a "clickety-click" over the switches. 
Behind this bridge you may discern the long up-river bridge 
standing dimly outHned against the horizon. 

In one sweep along the river you see in silhouette the grim 
grain elevators, the vessels at the ore docks bristling with masts, 
the huge smokestacks of the Traction company power house 
standing like sentinels at the water's edge, while farther back 
may yet be discerned the tower of the Nasby and the spires of 
numerous churches. 

As you stand in silent contemptation of the scene, your med- 
itation is rudely disturbed by a heavy Pennsylvania train that 
comes thundering up grade and in front of you only a few feet 
distant. Fantasy and awe gives way to reality, just as when one 
wakens from a vivid dream. 



CONTENTS. 



Page 

Introductory 5 

A Few Homely Proverbs 7 

A Much Needed American Club 8 

Plain Talks on Citizenship — 

Civic Ideals 10 

The Price of Government 10 

Bosses or Leaders, Which? 11 

Machine Rule in Toledo 13 

Elect the Right Men 13 

Only One Vital Issue 14 

Party Planks Needed 15 

A Fight for Free Speech 17 

It's Up to You 17 

An Open Letter 18 

Foraker on the Rate Bill 20 

Fair Play or a Square Deal 21 

A Bit of Verse — 

Humility— A Birthday Thought 23 

The Bugle, Fife and Drum 25 

Steedman at Chickamauga 26 

In the Year '00 27 

Plain 'Taters and Sop -28 

Maumee Valley History in Ragtime — 

Chapter I — Bill Nemo "Butts Into" Science 30 

Chapter II — The Whenceness of the Indian 33 

Chapter III — 'How Chris Discovered Us 35 

Chapter IV — Gospel and Grafters 37 

Chapter V — Wayne's Victory 39 

Chapter VI— Hull's Defeat— 9 to 41 

Chapter VII— Proctor's Puddin' 42 

Chapter VIII— Perry's Knockout Blow 43 



94 A reporter's scrap-book. 

GizEH Papyrus Stories — 

Pyramid Day at Gizeh 45 

The Unfinished Story 49 

An Egyptian Romance 52 

Society Life at Gizeh 55 

Gizeh Papyrus Notes L 57 

Editor's Experience with Burglars 60 

A Ijttle Pontics at Gizeh 62 

Spellbinders at Gizeh 66 

Editor Hits from the Shoulder 69 

Editor's Advice to Young Writer 72 

Midsummer Dullness 74 

Sewing Societies at Gizeh 77 

Fighting Editor in Good Form 79 

Make It Hot for Evil Doers 81 

In a Quandary 93 

Miscellaneous — 

Sporting Editor at a Musicale 85 

Modern Ideas in Textbooks 87 

Bill Piatt's "Bar" Story 90 

An East Side Picture 91 



N 



iiimm.'i!,*"^ °^ CONGRESS 



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